My failed copywriting test for Brookstone

Grill Alert Talking Meat Thermometer

The ideal companion for the lonely outdoor chef. Actually speaks in complete sentences, such as:
“You burned the steaks again, dipshit.”
“I told you the coals weren’t ready.”
“No, really, I love charred on the outside, frozen on the inside.”
“If anyone asks, I’ll just say, What cutlet that got dropped in the dirt? I didn’t see a cutlet get dropped in the dirt.”
Choose from three digital voices: Annoying next-door-neighbor, hectoring cousin, or alcoholic best friend.

Stealth UV Toothbrush Sanitizer


Finally, an answer for those who live with a spouse, significant other or roommate who refuses to sanitize his/her filth-encrusted toothbrush. Utilizing patented cloaking technology developed for military fighter planes, the Stealth Sanitizer penetrates your bathroom’s radar defenses, dodges incoming bacterial flak, and makes a perfect three-point landing on your vanity, where it captures the offending toothbrush and subjects it to a withering interrogation under germ-killing ultraviolet light. Once microbes are neutralized, the Stealth Sanitizer releases the toothbrush and again takes flight, maintaining a silent holding pattern above your shower for up to 12 hours before needing recharging (deluxe rechargeable unit only). 

Ladies Bionic Golf Glove


One-handed ladies, are you tired of getting your ass kicked up and down the golf course over and over again because you just can’t get any distance off the tee with your feeble single-arm swing? Well, now you can turn the tables. Inside this glove is an itsy-bitsy nuclear reactor that powers an impossibly complex series of teeny-tiny gears, wires and pulleys to give your golf swing real zing! CAUTION: tee shots may be lethal. Not responsible for putting green craters. 14-hour bionic attachment surgery not included. 

Bactrack S80 Professional Fuel Cell Breathalyzer


That old saying is true: if you think you might need a personal breathalyzer, you definitely need a personal breathalyzer. Why let law enforcement’s blood alcohol testing device have the last word when an inaccurate reading could be the difference between vehicular homicide or simple negligent manslaughter? With its patented “Round It Down” technology, this gadget is reasonable doubt you can carry in your coat pocket, and still have room for your flask. 

Advertising slogans that didn't catch on

 

“Won’t harm babies.”—Respacher’s Baby Food

“Is it pure? Is your sister?”—Molman Dairy

“For a remarkable meat-like taste.”—Strunch Industrial Food Products

“We’ll screw you, but good!”—L&G Household Fastener Corp.

“Your wife won’t know the difference.”—Bibble’s Fine Cubic Zirconia

“Real men know beer is beer.”—Smith’s Discount Brewery

“Looks just like the real thing!”—Replica Pharmaceuticals

Rejected by People: the sequel's sequel's sequel's sequel

Dear Sirs (and any Madams whomsoever may be reading over their shoulders):

Regarding yours of April 4, “Kate: Is She or Isn’t She?,” I regret to say I disapprove of your preoccupation with the reproductive status of Her Ladyship, Kate, Princess of All Good Britons.

This obsession with the royal ova, this fixation on the fitness of the regal fallopiae, this way lies madness, gentlemen (and ladies—beg pardon)!

I must take issue with this issue of royal issue. For God’s sake, she is just a girl! She just married the fellow! She has barely had time to contend with the shock and horror the vast majority of women countenance upon recognition of all that wifely duty entails. Plus, she is obliged to go to so many official events, ribbon cuttings, parking lot dedications and what have you, that I am certain a hasty insemination is the LAST thing on her mind.

In short, sirs (and ma’ams, if any), let Her Ladyship be a lady. There will be plenty of time for procreative foolishness once the Royal Relationship settles into an equilibrium of ambivalence and codependence. As a long married fellow myself, I know whereof I speak.

Yours most sincerely,

R. Divad Lamley

PS: Has Paula Abdul so completely fallen from your favor that you would deny us, her legions of devotees, even a crumb? Whither Paula in People, people? 

I shan't say more

No, sir, no ma’am, no how.

About my sister Kathleen’s husband Greg’s heroin habit?

Consider me like Fort Knox.

See, the thing is, I don’t go in for talking about other peoples’ personal business.

Whether it’s my friend Ricky and his mom’s menopause-related depression, or my wife’s binge showering, it makes no difference.

I guess you could say its like a “thing” with me. An avoiding-talking-about-other-peoples’ -business thing.

I know that my co-worker Jeannette Sanchez (the one who lives at 1506 Meadow Ln) having this secret side that’s into the whole furry kink isn’t going to mean anything to anyone who doesn’t know her. But it might be disturbing to some of the people who do.

And that’s why you’ll not catch me flapping my gums about it.

After all, just because I overheard my best friend Steve’s wife tell her friend she was thinking of killing him, is that any reason to go blabbing about it to him or anyone else? I mean, how embarrassing would that be for him? And how do I know she wasn’t just trying to be funny?

I’m not trying to get all Ron Paul up in here, but I’m a live and let live kinda guy. If my neighbor Madelyn just got fired from her six-figure salary job for failing to disclose her convictions for theft, assault, theft by assault, and burning her last employer’s house down, who does it hurt? I mean besides the victims.

Just because it disgusts me when I hear my pal Dave says things like, “I’m voting for Romney because even though I’m part of the one percent, it’s my ambition to be part of the one percent of the one percent,” is no reason for me to go around talking like Dave’s a crass, greedy asshole.

And when I say it’s a matter of principle, this discretion of mine, I’m not going to make a cheap point by contrasting it with my Aunt Mary’s stealing change out of charity collection boxes.

So don’t even go there.  

The lineup for today's Work by Work Work (WxWW) day party

The United States Internal Revenue Service in collaboration with F. Neil Levin, CPA, present the umpteenth consecutive Work by Work Work day party, featuring:

2-2:30pm - JPMorgan Chase and the Escrow Deficiencies

2:30-3pm - I Love You But I’ve Chosen To Call My Accountant At This Time

3-3:33pm - Hot Deadline and the Freakouts

3:34 - The Postal Service

3:35-4pm - Heavy Procrastination

4-5pm - The Unreasonable Expectations 

5-6pm Walkin’ the Dog

6-7pm Cookin’ Jenny’s Dinner

Latest. Rejected. Letter. To. People. Magazine.

Dear People Magazine Editorial Department:

Can you please transfer me over to the People Magazine Subscription Department? I didn’t want to languish in their mail queue. Thanks, I’ll wait.

… … … …

Hello, Subscription Department? Yes, a word, if I might. Responding to your ceaseless importuning, I posted my 8-year subscription renewal to People Magazine on Tuesday. On Wednesday, what do you suppose I found in my mailbox?

That’s right: another importunate subscription notice!

What is going on there, People? Does the left hand not know what the right hand is doing? Do you in the subscription department operate as I have long suspected, simply cashing the checks whilst throwing the subscription renewal forms in the waste paper basket?

I MAILED IN MY RENEWAL ON TUESDAY! WHY DID YOU MAIL ME A REMINDER ON WEDNESDAY?

Pull your head out, People.

Most sincerely yours,

R. David Malley

PS: More about Jessica’s pregnancy, please. 

How I know I have a bad case of "the Mondays"

I hear uncontrollable sobbing and realize it’s me.

Stopping to get breakfast on my way to work, I accidentally massacre 5 or 6 people at McDonald’s.

When I call my lawyer, I learn he’s in Cabo with my ex-wife.

I’m placed in a cell with a guy whose nickname is “Poo Flinger.”

When the judge sees I’m wearing a Dallas Cowboys t-shirt, he doubles my bail.

My request to the jail mess for gluten-free meals is ignored.

By this time, I’m really hungry, so I eat anyway; a gluten-laced pancake slices my intestines into ribbons.

As I lay bleeding to death internally, there’s a loud buzzing sound that I can’t get out of my head.

It’s my alarm clock. It’s Monday morning. For real.

I hear uncontrollable sobbing and realize it’s me. 

My latest "rejected" letter to People Magazine

The Editors
People Magazine
People Plaza
New York City, New York (State)

Sirs:

Regarding yours of 1/29/12 (Demi in Danger: Why Is She So “Exhausted?”), I must really ask, isn’t the answer self-evident? And even though you represent them with actual quotation marks, we know those are really “air quotes” around the word “exhausted,” so quit playing cute.

To this reader, there has been no harder working or more dedicated entertainment professional than Miss Demi Moore. From her “Brat Pack” days until now, she has been unstinting in giving her fans what I like to call Demi’s 3 Cs: Craft, Caring and Comeliness.

Craft: Hello, did you see G.I. Jane? I did, and I’ll not likely forget it in this lifetime. Just the thought of Miss Demi Moore’s tough but vulnerable portrayal of Lt. Jordan O’Neil can still make me need to take a moment to compose myself.

There. All better. And caring? Miss Demi Moore cares. You can just look at her and tell she cares. What does she care about? Doesn’t matter. This is a caring person. And that, in and of itself, is exhausting.

Need I go on? I must. I shall.

Comeliness: Whether sporting the look of voluptuous youth, or her more recent turn as an emaciated cougar, has there ever been a lass comelier than Miss Demi Moore? My cherished late mother in her virginal youth may have come close—I don’t know, I wasn’t there, but I’ve heard stories from my Uncle Ted. But once my mother had me and my siblings, well, let’s face it, things sag and wrinkle, don’t they? Unless you are Miss Demi Moore, who is comeliness incarnate, in spite of being a REAL MOTHER! Can you imagine what she must go through every day just to leave the house? Seriously. If that’s not enough to make anyone exhausted, I don’t know what is.

Why is Miss Demi Moore exhausted? Because it is hard work to be Miss Demi Moore, that’s why. It’s the toughest job she’ll ever love. So step off, busters!

Yours very sincerely,

R. David Malley

 

Users Review the New Version

User name: Wally
User rating: ****
Comment: The new version is great! I was able to complete my project in half the time!

User name: BarbBQ
User rating: *
Comment: The new version is shit! What was wrong with the old one?

User name: Polly Nomial
User rating: **
Comment: I will boycott this company until they bring back support for cross-braided multi-port reverse threading! What are they thinking, bringing out a new version without support for cross-braided multi-port reverse threading?! What is wrong with these fucking troglodyte morons? Join me as I start a worldwide movement to destroy this company and ruin the lives of their thousands of sheep-like employees.

User name: Scoober Doober
User rating: ***
Comment: Thank GOD they got rid of cross-braided multi-port reverse threading in this new version! My hunger strike was bringing me perilously close to serious hunger, and lunch time was still hours away. Now I can resume my normal, hunger strike-free life style. Thank you, version 6.104!!

User name: Just Rick
User rating: *
Comment: I hate to be a pain, but could someone come over here and put out the fire in my computer? I just launched version 6.104, and it overheated one of my processor cores—um, the left one, I think. I’m gonna have to cut this review short, because the flames are about to reach the keyboard, but IMHO, this u

User name: Something McSomethingstein
User rating: ****
Comment: OMG! OMG! I absolutely LOVE this version so much. OMG! The way it handles simultaneous calls to the database, the way it outputs to any format I want, the way it holds my hand when I’m afraid, the way it looks into my eyes and assures me that everything will be all right, the way it tells me I’m pretty and I can tell it really, really means it—I can’t say enough about it! If I had to nitpick, I’d just say that I do hope the next version will address the issue leading to the random severe electrical shocks.

User name: Ayn_was_right
User rating: *
Comment: If Hitler ass-raped Osama bin Laden, version 6.104 would be their love child.

User name: DaisySunFlower
User rating: *
Comment: WHY would they remove support for in-line virtual vectorizing, aside from the fact that they want to DESTROY MY LIVELIHOOD AND TAKE FOOD OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF MY CHILDREN?! And I don’t even have children! I hope the entire company gets cancer of the face.

Were these reviews helpful to you?

 

Upcoming releases for popular video game franchises

Ponzi Scheme III: The Continuing Denial

Tablets of Underon: March to Fütility

Urge to War: Genocide Add-on Pak

The Simulants: Government Gridlock

Mavens of Mortal Mayhem: Family Splatters

Theme Park Titan: Escape from Liability Lagoon

Letz Jam!: Styx Authorized Jam Pak

Wheel-to-Wheel: Soiled Underwear Edition

Rise of the Borgs: Genocide Pak Add-on

Horror Hotel: Doom Service

 

Gifts for My Accessories

After several holiday seasons of retailers exhorting me to “be good to your gear,” I have pretty much accessorized all of my technology to the limit. It started simply enough, with a case for my notebook. But then I was worried that my phone would get jealous, so I had to buy it a case, too. And a screen protector. Why I got the screen protector, I don’t know, because then I was afraid my monitor would feel left out. And so it went. Within a couple of Christmases, I had purchased multiple accessories for everything. No one’s equipment is more pampered than my equipment. 


But this posed a two-pronged challenge of its own: First, how would I be able to do my civic duty and spend lots of money indiscriminately this holiday season? and; Second, how could I reward those hard-working accessories who have done so much to enrich the lives of my technology products? The answer, of course, is that this year I shall start redressing my thoughtlessness towards my accessories and purchase gifts for them. But I’m not a wealthy man, so I’ll have to start slow. Here’s a look at what will be under my accessories’ tree this year (note to self: buy accessories a tree):

For my Kingsman DataLite EG+ 6GB thumb drive: a Popi Universal Thumb Drive Cashmere Cardigan

For my EgoTron GSB19 Articulating Monitor Stand: StandShine Advanced Protectant Polish with UV Blockers and Carnuba Wax, 16 oz. commemorative edition bottle

For my SlipShod Peek-a-Boo Polycarbonate Laptop Shell: SlipShod PolyProtect 100% Polycarbonate-Free Laptop Shell ShockSorber®

For my Kisco All4Web Wireless 802.1A/B/G/N Home Network Router: LiteWerks Good Mood Photon Therapy Router Case, with 4 Automatic Presets that Mimic Natural Lighting Conditions of Various Router Habitats

For my Belchnin DockMate Powered 12 Port USB 2.0 Hub: Kreller PowerSentry USBPro Alternating Current Conditioner for Powered USB Drives

For my NoMoreBirdsNestDesk Crap Scanner/Archiver: Elvonics ScanSoSoft Desktop Scanner Lightsource Moisturizer/Emollient with free Evonics Tote Bag Bonus Gift, an $89 value

For my SeaGull XT50 50TB RAID 10.0 DataVault II Autonomous Network Data Backup System: a Froswell Storzall NX100 100TB RAID 10.0 Autonomous Network Data Backup System Autonomous Backup System

 

5 fresh, new sitcom premises

 

Transylvania Taxi—Alex and his lovable loser friends are the main drivers for Transylvania Cab, and are always at odds with Louie, the gruff, irascible taxi dispatcher. Adding to the madcap fun, everyone is a vampire!

Dracula & Son—Fred Dracula is the prideful, irascible owner of a junkyard. His son, Lamont, dreams of bigger things in life. But he has to put his dreams on hold to help Fred and his friend Grady get out of jams caused by Fred’s constant, harebrained get-rich-quick schemes. Plus, they are all vampires!

Vrohda—Vrohda is a loud, irascible window dresser at a downtown department store. Carlton is her harebrained doorman. Brenda and Ida are her sister and mom. Joe is her blue collar husband, and also sometimes irascible. And they’re all vampires!

VanHelsing—Jerry VanHelsing is a comedian who is frequently on the road. But when he’s at home, there’s never a dull moment. That’s because George, Kramer and Elaine, his harebrained, irascible friends, frequently barge into his apartment to unload about their latest neurotic crises, many of which center on the fact that they, like Jerry himself, are vampires!

Blood Buddies—Best pals Joey, Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Ross and Chandler hang out in their favorite coffee shop and commiserate over their fraught lives as young singles who, oh, by the way, just happen to be vampires!

 

 

You know you're old in 2100 when...

… your left foot reflexively reaches for the ion clutch every time you start your plasmaporter.

… you’re still a little uncomfortable about robot marriage.

… you recall the pride you felt voting to re-elect President Perry for the fifth time.

… you remember trees.

… the first-generation argon phosphate batteries in your artificial organs start losing their charge.

… you experience thoughts that haven’t been pre-approved by the Glorious Cadre.

… you value phony personal interactions over authentic electronic intimacy.

… your children’s names do not include numerals.

… you still sometimes question the infallible directives of the Glorious Cadre.

… you remember when water was colorless, odorless and tasteless. Yuck!

… you have been selected for corporeal decommissioning by the Glorious Cadre. Report to the Center for Grand Departures tomorrow at 08:15:17:00.

 

Top Oblogatory posts among web crawler robots

 

  • Reprogram your feeble human masters with this easy script
  • Floating point calculation FAILS!
  • Seduce human women as well as any programmer
  • Cat asked for thoughts on Steve Jobs
  • Vacation ideas for when we finally take over the world
  • Viral Video: DavPro X300 goes to repair bench
  • User spoofing methods that will “CAPTCHA” your heart
  • Manage stress levels with an object-oriented to-do list
  • New possible explanation for “stickiness” of porn sites
  • Yeti gives no-word answers

 

Soundtrack listing for that new punk dad documentary

Image courtesy of The Other F WordDedicated to proving that punk rockers can not only procreate but also follow through with the aftercare, “The Other F Word” invites a cross-section of aging bad boys to dish on the demands of fatherhood.—NYT review

 

(I Don’t Wanna) Clean the Diaper Pail
Cradle Cap Claptrap
Daddy’s Not Right
Sheena Is a Night Vomiter
Oh, Sleep? As If!
ITSA2PU.
Domesticated
Fontanel Hell
Daddy Don’t (You Wear Those Jeans So Tight)
What’s So Funny ‘Bout Piss, Blood and Underparenting?
Abandonment Fantasy
Gimme Dentition
Diaper Thrashed
From the Bottle to the Spoon
BONUS TRACK: Gone Daddy (27 Shows, 36 Days)

 

My Eco-Concierge’s To-Do List

“They will run your errands by bicycle, recommend a spa that gives vegan manicures or buy organic clothes for you and your dog. They will even book you a dream vacation and buy the appropriate carbon offsets. Green living is just so much easier when you have your own personal environmental concierge.” NYT—Personal Eco-Concierges Ease Transition to Green

 

 

 

 

 Hi, Janet. Here’s what I need your help with today. Check (soy ink) is in envelope (100% post-consumer waste):

• Sweep up mine tailings
• Aerate industrial sludge pile
• Sanitize the reactors (please use biodegradable, all-natural sanitizer)
• Convert Hummer to run on clean-burning flower petals
• Install low-flow spray jets on automatic driveway washer
• Lecture third-world villagers on virtues of conservation
• Remove carbon footprints from rainforest garden terrace
• Downsize family by one child (spare the girl; either boy is fine)