Black Friday tragedies missed by the national media

Saggitus, MI—A local child was hospitalized for extreme disappointment after learning that his mother failed to secure a RobotX Cage Battle Destroyer set at a discount store’s Black Friday sale.

The boy, 9, was listed in fair condition in Runcie County Medical Center with what doctors characterized as “severe exhaustion brought on by extended hyperventilation,” following a two-hour screaming fit. His mother was being treated for depression thought to be caused by the profound guilt of failing to provide her only child with the toy he most wanted this Christmas.

The mother, who is recovering from a hip transplant, arrived at the store several hours before its Black Friday midnight opening, missing the family Thanksgiving dinner in the process. But the store’s meager allotment of RobotX Cage Battle Destroyer sets was gone before she could hobble to the toy department.

“We will have no statement at this time,” said a family spokesperson. “We’d ask that you respect our family’s privacy during this difficult moment. But anyone with a spare RobotX Cage Battle Destroyer set is asked to contact us through the Wanted to Buy section of Craigslist.”

Fishbelly, MT—Ted Malone thinks he may have sold Whiskers, the affectionate cat that has greeted customers of his gift shop for nearly five years, and he’s asking for help securing her return.

“I haven’t seen her since we closed after 24 hours of business on Black Friday,” the downcast shopkeeper sad. “People were in a buying mood, and of course we were in a selling mood. The details are kinda hazy, but I think I threw Whiskers in as a deal-sweetener for some lady who was hedging on a $400 sale. I wish I knew for sure. Damn cat needs its insulin.”

Malone asked that anyone with details of Whiskers’ whereabouts call him at Things ‘n’ Such, his store in the Fishbelly Market Mall.

Bloodwater, GA—Authorities have charged a local store clerk with several counts of assault after she allegedly tried to blind customers with a laser price scanner.

Melinda Davis, 23, was taken into custody late Friday and released on bond early Saturday. Authorities say she may face as many as seven felony counts.

According to police, at the end of an 18-hour shift working a checkout stand at Hardin’s Family Clothing, Davis became angry at the many customers who argued over discrepancies between marked prices and those she rang up on her cash register. It was then, according to witnesses, that she started thrusting the laser barcode scanner in her customers’ eyes.

“After she did one lady, I heard her yell, “What’s the price now, bitch? How about blind ninety-nine?!”’ one of Davis’s co-workers said. “All this while the lady was rolling on the carpet screaming, ‘My eyes! My eyes!’”

A spokesman for the store said there would be no comment until the company’s lawyers had a chance to review the facts of the case. 

Gifts for My Accessories

After several holiday seasons of retailers exhorting me to “be good to your gear,” I have pretty much accessorized all of my technology to the limit. It started simply enough, with a case for my notebook. But then I was worried that my phone would get jealous, so I had to buy it a case, too. And a screen protector. Why I got the screen protector, I don’t know, because then I was afraid my monitor would feel left out. And so it went. Within a couple of Christmases, I had purchased multiple accessories for everything. No one’s equipment is more pampered than my equipment. 


But this posed a two-pronged challenge of its own: First, how would I be able to do my civic duty and spend lots of money indiscriminately this holiday season? and; Second, how could I reward those hard-working accessories who have done so much to enrich the lives of my technology products? The answer, of course, is that this year I shall start redressing my thoughtlessness towards my accessories and purchase gifts for them. But I’m not a wealthy man, so I’ll have to start slow. Here’s a look at what will be under my accessories’ tree this year (note to self: buy accessories a tree):

For my Kingsman DataLite EG+ 6GB thumb drive: a Popi Universal Thumb Drive Cashmere Cardigan

For my EgoTron GSB19 Articulating Monitor Stand: StandShine Advanced Protectant Polish with UV Blockers and Carnuba Wax, 16 oz. commemorative edition bottle

For my SlipShod Peek-a-Boo Polycarbonate Laptop Shell: SlipShod PolyProtect 100% Polycarbonate-Free Laptop Shell ShockSorber®

For my Kisco All4Web Wireless 802.1A/B/G/N Home Network Router: LiteWerks Good Mood Photon Therapy Router Case, with 4 Automatic Presets that Mimic Natural Lighting Conditions of Various Router Habitats

For my Belchnin DockMate Powered 12 Port USB 2.0 Hub: Kreller PowerSentry USBPro Alternating Current Conditioner for Powered USB Drives

For my NoMoreBirdsNestDesk Crap Scanner/Archiver: Elvonics ScanSoSoft Desktop Scanner Lightsource Moisturizer/Emollient with free Evonics Tote Bag Bonus Gift, an $89 value

For my SeaGull XT50 50TB RAID 10.0 DataVault II Autonomous Network Data Backup System: a Froswell Storzall NX100 100TB RAID 10.0 Autonomous Network Data Backup System Autonomous Backup System

 

They got your graticulated magnifier right here.

Er, right here, that is. I love to get lost in the American Science & Surplus site. They sell weird stuff and they have a sense of humor about it. I got their printed catalog for years, and was always charmed by the funny item copy and the rough line drawing item illustrations. Now they have photos of the items on their site, but they also offer a “hand-drawn” view of each item, so you can see how it would look in the catalog. Fun.

And special props to the copywriter or copywriters who provide item descriptions. In these digressive paragraphs you might get a bit of the item’s backstory (as in, what were they thinking when they made this?), as well as some suggestions for how to use it. And you might even get a little history or foreign language instruction throw in. Take this write-up of surplus stethoscopes, for instance:

Stethos is Greek for chest. Indeed you can scope your stethos with this stethoscope, or your friend’s or your dog’s. But it works equally well for picking up any sound being transmitted through a solid medium. Listen to the air flowing through the heating ducts, the water in the pipes, the sounds of machinery, the termites munching on the floor joists!! The color does vary so we will select from what’s currently available. We’ve had blue, teal, red, black, burgandy, green and purple, but there may be other colors yet to be seen! A great discovery device whether for biology or other pursuits. Not of professional quality, but not just a toy.

 

 

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