Latest unprinted letter to People Magazine

 

Dear people at People:

What’s that stirring? Do you feel it? Do you feel a fresh wind sweeping down over the land, blowing away all of the tawdry movie star scandals, the celebrity O.D. stories and the first-person weight loss triumphs? I do. I feel it. And it smells like very high quality, compounded-to-order-by-the-royal-pharmacist baby powder!

So what’s the new name going to be? Oh, come on. You’re going to need a new name. You know it. I know it. We all know it. People Magazine is simply going to be too broad for you from now on. But I have some suggestions: 

Select Royal People and Their Adorable New Baby Person Magazine

Little Prince Magazine

Regal Magazine (almost rhymes!)

Baby Prince Magazine

Adorable Royal Cuteness Magazine

Mostly About the Royal Baby but Some Stuff About Random Celebrities Magazine 

If you pick one of my names, all I would ask for is a lifetime subscription, so I would never miss a single word you write about the new precious bundle of royal joy. And if none of these names grab you, I’d be happy to come in and spitball some other options with you.

No need to thank me. Yet.

In devoted service to His Tiny Majesty,

R. D. Malley
Semi-professional royal baby lover 

Rejected Letters to People Magazine, Emergency Edition

To the supervisor of the people at People Magazine:

With all due respect, you need to get your people on a tighter leash and your People back to the high standards best exemplified by the profile you did (that one time) on those grossly obese people who lost enough weight to be considered just plain vanilla obese.

I am, of course, writing about the cover story “Deep Inside Kathy’s Dark Nightmare” (Sep. 23).

HER nightmare? What about MY nightmare? First Prince Harold’s casino cavorting and now Princess Kathy’s ta-ta tanning. For the love of God, when it comes to your covers, you must stop putting on heirs who toss their togs.

Look, back in my day, royals never disrobed FOR ANY REASON. And we liked it that way. I don’t hesitate to say we were ALL BETTER OFF.

In that more genteel time, whipping off the Windsor wovens was Just. Not. Done. Or talked about, or even contemplated. And with good reason. I mean, Princess Margaret? Hello?! One shudders to even think.

That nowadays the young royals are flaunting the loins of the lineage is utterly revolting to me, and if, as I suspect, a significant number of your subscribers are as sensitive as I am, there will be more revolting to come. Continue running stories that are royally risqué and even 75% off the newsstand price won’t be enough to keep us in the page fold.

When it comes to the empire’s epidermis, ignorance is not just bliss: it’s downright necessary for sanity’s survival. At your office hot tub parties, clothing may be optional. But here where I live, royal bods are too much to bare.

Not kidding,

D. M. Larely