About "Your" Privacy



“Your” privacy is important to us. How could it be otherwise—selling off little pieces of it to the highest bidder is how we make our money. So we damn sure better safeguard it or there goes our third quarter revenue, right down the crapper. Accordingly, we have made some updates to our “Privacy” Policy.

By “your” privacy, of course, we mean “our” privacy, because, let’s face it, we both have a very real stake in it. Admittedly, our stake in it is more or less strictly monetary, while your stake in it has more to do with avoiding the humiliation and embarrassment you’d face should anyone find out about that one very unfortunate night in L.A. three years ago. Come now, you remember the night we’re talking about—the night when people turned out to be not who or what you thought they were? Riiiiight. You get where we’re going with this. So, as you can see, neither of us wants “our” privacy to become compromised, do we?

So be a good little fellow, won’t you, and check the small box at the very end indicating you’ve read and agree to all of this, which, of course, you haven’t and you don’t. Well, grudgingly, I guess, you will agree. I mean, you are going to check the box, after all. It’s not like you have much choice. But we understand if you have to hold your nose to do it. Safeguarding “our” privacy can be a dirty business sometimes.

This next bit contains some Important Details that probably won’t make much sense to you, but don’t worry—that’s by design. We hired a crack team of lawyers to say exactly what we mean in precisely the most difficult way for you to understand. Ultimately, we think it’ll be better for both of us that way. What you don’t know that you don’t know won’t hurt you. More than likely. So if we were you, we wouldn’t even bother pressing the link that says:
+Important Details: Click to Expand

Good move. It would’ve taken you almost as long to read that nonsense as it took for our lawyers to translate it into indecipherable (but legally binding) jargon. Who’s got the time? And what’s the point anyway, since we all know you’re going to click the little box below. Because you wouldn’t want anything to happen to “our” privacy, would you? There’s the good little fellow!

[ ] I have read to and agree to the terms of “Our” Privacy Policy.


Important changes to your privacy settings

Disclaimer: the word “privacy” should not be construed to mean that you as a user have any shreds of privacy remaining. A segment of our user population may have previously “used up” their privacy. If you are part of that user segment, these changes do not apply to you. Bonus.

In an effort for greater transparency and other reasons we’d rather not go into, we have introduced new features that let you more strictly guard your remaining privacy shreds on our site. To make it easier for the vast majority of our users, all profiles will automatically default to what we think will be the most popular user setting, Fully Compromised. The other available settings are Pretty Well Compromised, Fairly Compromised, and, of course, the most basic and limiting setting, Not Nearly Compromised Enough.

Should you wish to change from Fully Compromised to one of the more limiting settings, please be aware that:

  • You are only kidding yourself
  • You may not be able to use some advanced site features, like “browse,” “search” and “click”
  • We didn’t find your private life all that interesting to begin with
  • We will still serve you ads that you’d like to think aren’t meant for you, but really are. (We’re talking to you, Larry Martin who graduated from Ervis H.S. in 1991. Larry, it’s your 20th reunion this summer. We’ve been reading Janet Sinclair’s emails and guess what? A), She’s going to the reunion, and B), She separated from Steve. It’s not too late to deal with your hair loss situation. Do yourself a favor, Larry—click a Hair Miracle banner. You don’t have much to lose, literally.)
  • Your privacy settings may “slip back” to Fully Compromised on account of it was an accident

To change your privacy setting, simply do the following:
  • Go to the “My settings” menu
  • Choose the appropriate settings view (hieroglyphic, algorithm or binary)
  • Find the relevant data points within the matrix
  • Open a new tab and click on the “Privacy” link, if you can find it
  • Dial this number: 888-395-5877. Let it ring twice. Hang up. Call back. Ask for Dom. Hang up. 
  • Click “OK.”
  • Burn your computer