Recent posts from my neighborhood listserv

 

HI, nIegbhors! SPimmy and tiMmy!! Need a TELSA COYLE for they’re “end of sumer” seance expeeremen. i DONT KNOW what a telsa coyle is butt they say its’ to do wilth the baby rabits speakin of winch has ANYONE bin in our hunch?! were missing a dough. let me no if you have a TELSA COYLE!!!! THX!!! :)—
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
PS: and ALSO if you have our DOUGH


Hello, there. We’re new in the “hood,” and were wondering about the coffee situation nearby. Is there anywhere close that serves a good old fashioned humane, organic, gluten-free pumpkin spice latte made under supportive working conditions at a living wage? Failing that, a Starbucks will do. Thanks
Rhiana and Donnel on Polk St.


NIEGBHORS! SPIMMy and timMY SAY TO SAY that th TELSA COYLE NEEDS TO be 220! i can COME PICK IT UP!!!!!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
PS: HoW MUCH DOES IT WAY??????11111!!!


Has anyone else noticed that the noise situation inside my house is intolerable? I live right by a sidewalk, and people have a tendency to walk by my house whilst engaging in conversation and I can hear that there are people there talking. I can’t hear what they are saying, but I can hear that they are walking by and existing within mere feet of my private property. Has anyone else noticed this about my house? Is this normal? Can I sue the city? I’ve lived in this neighborhood a long time, (since early 2012), and if I had known it was going to turn into the wild west, I would’ve stayed in Boca.
Doug on Rafford Mill


Hello, all. I want to alert all residents that the time is fast approaching for our annual neighborhood clean up party. We will meet in the parking lot of Gudger’s Fine Meats at 5am this Saturday morning. Patty’s Donuts apologizes, but they will not be able to donate donuts this year, but Patty said she will send Consuela over with a box of holes. Also, Mr. Gudger will provide ice tea, emu jerky and neoprene gloves. Some of the gloves might be a little bloody, so if that’s a problem, you may choose to bring your own. This year we will be concentrating on clearing derelict vehicles from the neighborhood’s vacant lots. If we get 50 or 60 people, we should be able to finish by dark. Please let me know if you are coming and whether you want a hole, and, if so, what flavor (chocolate or chocolate fudge).
Janice on Curlilew Ct


THANK yOU TO WHEVER LEFT THE TELSA COYLE OWN MY CAR!! !!1 !!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
PS: WHut HAPPESN when i toch THIS thing RIGHT he—OW!


Just a heads up that yesterday we observed two subjects kick down the front door of my neighbor’s house, forcibly remove him, cover his head with a hood, shove him in the back seat of their car and drive away. Do you think it would be a good idea for us to call 3-1-1 when we see something like this in the future, or should we just mention it to our police liaison at the monthly meeting?
Cliff & Ginny on Erhardt St.


O & NEIHGBRHRS!!!!! WE FOUND the doUGH!!!!! SHE hid to death UNDER THE HUNCH. WILL mis her.!!!!! tiMMY AND SPimmy our SAD. : )
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

 

The Latest from My Neighborhood Listserv

HI THARe NIEGHGBORS! I’M AM SELING MY EGGS11!!111!!!!! MANY OF WICH ARE FRETILE!!! COME BY!! AND GET YOU!!! SOME!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hi, we’re new to the neighborhood. We live over by “the old abandoned railroad tracks,” as our real estate agent called them. We’re just curious, about eight times a day there’s a really loud rumbling noise and a very loud horn honking and it seems to be coming from the direction of “those old abandoned railroad tracks,” as our real estate agent called them. Any idea what’s causing it? Our real estate agent says he doesn’t know what it is.
Candy and Mark on Railyard Ln

I just want to let it be known that I will beat the living shit out of anyone who comes near or even so much as looks at my azaleas this spring. I don’t do all that hard work just so my wacko neighbors can ruin them. Or look at them.
You have been warned.
Gary on Ridgely St.
PS: Yes, my dog bites.

CHICKEN’S’ EGG’S, NIEGHBGHBORS!! SOME OF YOU!1! GOT CONFUSED!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hey, y’all. We just wanted to let everyone know that we’re going to have a big blowout of a party tonight. So if we don’t answer the door at 3am, don’t worry, we’re OK. It’s just that we won’t be able to hear your knocking because the DJ we hired is blasting the tunes too loud. Just didn’t want anyone to be unduly concerned for our well being.
Lisa on Cravat St.

ALTHO I MIGT HAV E SOME OFF THE OTHER KIND!! IFF YOU NEED M!!! IM’ DONE WITH MY AVIARIES!! HA! HA!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hey, does anyone know who owns the little house with the stained glass windows and the tall pointy roof feature? I’ve been by during weekdays and no one ever seems to be home, although they always seem to have a lot of company visiting on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings. At any rate, my development partner and I are interested in buying that property. We have a client who would very much like to tear down that quaint old structure so that he can cover the entire lot—up to the legal limit, of course—with an enormous monolithic steel box of a home that he plans to use once or twice a year on his visits to town. It’s actually a good deal for the neighborhood, because most of the time the house will just sit empty and looming. So any leads on tracking down that homeowner would be appreciated.
Marlon on Alder Cir.

NEEIBGHBORS, HOW DID I KNOW SOME PEPLE WOOD BE OFF ENDED!!?? BECUAUSE THEY ARR TYRING TO HAVEA BABY!!?? AND CANT’!!!??? I DIDNT’ KNOW!! THAT! THERE JUTS EGSS!!!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

 

Latest highlights from the neighborhood listserv

Hi, NGIERBORS!!! This might be a little LAST MINUTE but if there are any musicicins playing at that BIG festival going on near the “hood” right now and THEY DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO STAY—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hello, we are new to the neighborhood and to the city. I would like someone to tell me what in the hell that all was about last night. The sound from the nearby multi-million dollar music festival was thunderous and deafening. My 6-month-old baby was so upset by my screams of frustration that he may be scarred for life. I called the festival hotline set up by the promoters, Fill, Coffers and Getalong, to handle noise complaints, and they referred me to 3-1-1. When I called 3-1-1, they took my report, but the volume never went down! In other words, I complained and nothing happened. Would someone please explain this to me? It was not like this at our gated community.—Robert on Summer St.

HOWDy!! NIGEBROS!!!! I hit ‘send” too soon!!! What I “MEANT” to say was if ANY MUSICICIASN playing the “rock and roll” FESTIVAL need a place to ““crash””—HEY! That’s what we called it in the ‘70s!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

I know this is a shot in the dark, but I lost my 6-week-old kitten about 8 months ago. Have you seen it? It’s got four legs and fur, and it was real small then, but it’s probably bigger now, if it’s still alive. I am offering an almost full 50 lb bag of kitten food as a reward. No, wait.—Gary on Banderson Way

Hello, it’s Little Anthony on Clabber St. Remember me? All the kids used to shoot baskets in front of our house on account of the basketball goal my dad set up near the curb. Yeah, that’s me. Long time, no see. So anyway, dad died and I came down to help my sisters empty out his house. First thing we need is a body bag. Anyone got one we can borrow, hopefully a nicer one?—Anthony formerly of Clabber St.

NGEIBOSR!1!! I am SO sorry!!! I DID  IT AGAIN!!!! WHAT I “meant” TO SAY was any musicicicis PLAYING THE ROCK FESTIVAL if they don’t have a “place” to “crash” at, THEY CAN COME STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE!!!! MY “KIDS” LOVE IT UP THERE!!!! I hope this massage gets to them!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hey, y’all, just want to remind you that the second half of the music festival is this weekend. I am collecting the addresses of people in the neighborhood who will be leaving town to get away from the crowds and the noise. If you will be away for the entire weekend and not liable to show up unannounced anytime between late Friday and late Sunday, please send me your address. I will check your home while you are gone to make sure that all of your valuables are still hidden where you left them. So along with your address, please also include the hiding places for any guns, high-end electronics and negotiable paper, so I can keep a vigilant eye on them.—Seth on Ryant St.

HELO NEIGBORRS!!! NEVER MIND!!!! I heard they got A MOTEL!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

 

Recent items from my neighborhood listserv

HElo NEIGBORS! Jimy habs been dignosed WITH A REAR DISEASE! It doESnt’ cause any problems acCept when he gets older he cant’ have babies. Butt theirs’ NO CURE unless we find a STEMCELL DONNOR. This is a WILD CHANCE, but does ANYONE IN THE HOOD have the CY9 MUTATION?!! COme on by if you do.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hello. We are new to the neighborhood and would like to know the best place to get a cup of artisanally steeped hypoallergenic organic tea. While Cozy’s, the neighborhood place down the street from us, is lovely, they refuse to give us anything in writing asserting that their artisanally steeped organic tea is hypoallergenic. So I’m afraid we shan’t be going there again. Any recommendations would be most appreciated.—Hildreth on Luana Ct.

LOST DOG: Neighbors, our dog Shorty, a shepherd/Dachshund mix, is missing since yesterday. We are heartbroken. Any help in locating him would be much appreciated.—Don on Vireo St.

DOG FOUND: Sorry for the false alarm. We accidentally left him in the Land Rover when we parked in our garage yesterday afternoon, and we didn’t notice him when we went out to dinner later because our other Land Rovers were in the way.  He’s fine, just a little dehydrated and pissed off. And while I’ve got you, I may as well ask for recommendations for a good auto upholstery and carpet cleaning service.—Don on Vireo St.

NeiGBROS! PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED if you aRe walking down HOLMES AVE and some laydy asKs to SWAB YOUR CHEEKS! That LAYDY IS ME! Im’ just lookign for A STEMCELL DONNOR FOR JIMY! I DONT’ BIT E I PROMISE!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

This is to publicly state that I will submit to the City’s new residential all-electric lawn equipment regulations and turn in my gas-powered Toro WHEN THOSE JERKS AT THE CITY PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

Hey, it’s June, and that means it’s time to feed, Kobe,  my boa constrictor. I was wondering if any of you folks with backyard coops would be willing to spare a live chick or two. Thanks.—Randy on Opal St.

NO, I DONT’ THINK ITS’ UNRESONAABLE TO ASK PASSERBYS TO HELP DEFLAY THE COST OF DNA TESTING! ITS’ THIER DANG DNA!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Neighbors, don’t forget that next Wednesday my shop will host a special meeting of the Intra-neighborhood Steering Committee Member Selection Process Steering Committee. If you would like to be considered for the ISCMSPSC. Artisanally steeped organic tea will be served, but I will not—repeat, will not—certify it as hypoallergenic.—Jane, owner of Cozy’s on Third St.

NEVER MIND NEGIBROS! wE foUNd out JimY JUST HAS RINGWORM.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

 

More from my neighborhood listserv

 

HLELO NEGBHOSR!!!! WE HAVE LOT OF DITOMASHUS EARTH LEFTOVER! FROM OUR SOIL! CULTIVATION PROJECT!! LIKE A LOT OF IT!!! WE ORDERDERED A TRUCKFUL BUT THOT IT WOUL BE A PICKUP NOT A DUMP! COME GET SOM!! PLEASE!!! WERE THE HOUSEE WITH THE LARGE WHITE PILES IN FRONT!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.
 

Someone recently posted a link for how we could help the people affected by the disaster in West, TX. I was not aware that we could use this list to help publicize our “pet causes.” I’m not saying the people in West don’t deserve our help, but for years I have been working for a group that helps emotionally disabled dogs recover from their birth trauma. So, yes, by all means help the people suffering in West, TX. But please also send a generous donation to www.nosaddogs.org. Thank you.—Mike on Lasper Ct.
 

In addition to the link someone posted earlier about sending donations to help out the people in West, TX, my buddy and I will be holding a big barbecue fundraiser in our backyard tonight and we need help with food and beer. Feel free to drop donations of cash through my mail slot and leave donated quality meats and seafoods in the ice chest on my porch. You’re welcome.—Jared on Hanley Dr.

I WOLD LIKE TO KNW WHO CLALED THE CITY ON ME! BECAUSE OF THIS DITACEMOUS EARTH! WHICH I HAVE TRIED TO GIVE AWAY! AND WHO IS CLALING WHO AN QUOTE “EYE” “SORE” UNQUOT.?!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hello, neighbors. Well, hey, if we’re going to just turn this list into a bulletin board for our favorite charities, what the hell? If you are tired of the Trilateral Commission and the IMF and the Interior Department and PB$ degrading our freedoms in pursuit of their domination of the world silver market, by all means send a check to the one publication with the guts to tell the truth about what’s really going on in the world:
The Conspiracy Clarion
c/o Daniel Enler
1415 Matilda Blvd., #C
Austin, TX 78704
Thanks, and the sooner you send your donation the better. I don’t think I have enough toner to print the next issue.—Danny on Matilda

Is something going on in west Texas? My sister and brother-in-law are camping in Big Bend and I haven’t been able to reach them for the last 45 minutes.—Carol on Elms Way

I just called 3-1-1 on the idiot frat boys renting the house next door to me. Once again, they are throwing an all-night beer bust and barbecue for all their idiot buddies. These are the kinds of guys who compete to see who can projectile vomit the farthest and yell “Yee haw!” the loudest. If you’re as sick of it as I am, please lodge your own complaints with 3-1-1 and maybe we can get something done about this.—Susan on Hanley Dr.

ENVIMORENTAL HAZZZARD?! WHO TOLD THE  CITY DIMATACOUS EARTH WAS A EVINORMETAL HAZZZZARD????!!!!! ITS’ NOT!! IT’S’ JUST LITTLE FOSILS!!! NOW MY FRONT! YARD HAAS BEEN LISTEDED AS A TOXICS WAIST DUMP!! AND THIS AFTER I GENROUSLY OFERED DIMATCIOUS EARTH TO WHO EVER! WANTED IT! NOT VERY NEGBORLY!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

 

Latest from the neighborhood listserv

HELLOOO NEIGBORS1!!!11!! I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT MY HUSBANDS MARTYS’ NEW ERECTION IS PERMITED IN THE BACK YARD. IN CASE OF YOU NOSEY PARKERS.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

PS: AND THATS’ THE CITY TALKIN, NOT ME!!!11!!!!!

Hi, I’m new to the neighborhood. We live near the playground and were just wondering if it’s normal for kids to play there, or should we call the authorities.—Candy on Marchand St.

Howdy neighbors. The monthly list of street closures affecting our neighborhood has just been released for next month:

Apr 1-3: Have a Heart Health Festival and 10K “Fun Run”—all streets coming into and out of the neighborhood closed from set-up to tear down.

Apr 8-11: Are You Kidneying Me Donation Fair and Half Marathon—all streets coming into and out of the neighborhood closed from set-up to tear down.

Apr 18-21: You Got a Lotta Spleenin’ to Do Spleen Health Awareness Carnival and 10K “Fun Run”—all streets coming into and out of the neighborhood closed from set-up to tear down.

Apr 28-30: Acne No Questions Teen Dermatology Awareness Fair and Concert—all streets coming into and out of the neighborhood closed from set-up to tear down.

Thank goodness April will be a slow month!—Steve on Knurlwood Ct.

Dear neighbors: I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I was walking my dog in the neighborhood yesterday and around the Medwick St. area I noticed a man seemed to be following us. He was older, didn’t really appear to be threatening, but he did have a scowl on his face. Anyone know this guy?—Maggie on Adwell St.

HI NEIHBORS!!! MR. SWENSON THE MAN MARTY HIRED FOR THE ERECTION ASKED ME IF ANYONE IN THE “‘HOOD” HAS A BACKHOE. HE CAN BORROW?—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

To the lady walking her dog yesterday afternoon: don’t think I didn’t see you throw that plastic baggie of dog poo in my trashcan. Just because we set our trashcans out on the curb the day before garbage pickup doesn’t mean anyone can just come by and throw their trash in them, especially something so disgusting as dog poo in a plastic bag. You think you’re so smart and sneaky, but guess what? I took the baggie of dog poo out of MY trash can and followed you and your dog all the way to your house and threw the baggie of dog poo in YOUR trash can. Ha! Guess the joke’s on you, huh?—Dermon on Medwick St.

Latest highlights from my neighborhood listserv

HELLo NEIGHBORS!!!! I EITHER LOANEDED MY RAKE TO SOMEONE OR BORROWED SOMEONE ELSES’S RAKE AND LOSTED IT!! CAN SOMEONE HELP ME!!!  ?—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

PS: NEED RAKE!!!!

Does anyone know who I call when I see a person of poorness in the neighborhood? Thank you.—P. Landy on Marsh Cir.

Howdy, neighbors! Just wanted to invite everyone to come on down to Have-a-Cuppa tonight at 7:30. We need to start planning for the organic, gluten-free neighborhood garden we’re going to build this spring, and Step 1 is nominating members to the pre-planning steering committee steering committee. Who’s in?—Safflower on Myrtle Ct.

Hi, we just don’t want to deal with it anymore, so we need to find a good home for our 2-year-old dog that was just diagnosed with a chronic stomach disorder. Any takers?—Russ on Larkspur Ln.

OH!!! YES NOW I REMEMBER! I BORROWED A RAKE AND LOSTED IT! CAN I HAVE IT BACK!!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Notice: I set a 55 gal. drum of waste byproducts resulting from my alchemy experiments out on the curb. First come, first served.—Dale on Smith St.

Waste byproducts gone.—Dale on Smith St.

To whom it may concern: Once again, I used my yard-vac this weekend, and, once again, there were leaves on my lawn come Monday morning. There is no neighborhood mit no order! Citizens of Marigold Subdivision: maintain your yards or be crushed!—A. Eichmann on Cherry St.

DAMN NOT RAKE I MEAN HO!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

More highlights from the neighborhood listserv

ONE OF MY CHILDREN MISSING!!!!
HAS ANYONE SEEN A LITLE TOW-HEADED BOY??!!! HE WAS HERE!!! BUT NOW I CANT FIND HIM?!!!! HELP!! PLEASE!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AV

PS: DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NUMBER TO 911?!!!!!

STEERING COMMITTEE OFFICERS ELECTION TONIGHT
Hello, neighbors. I wanted to invite one and all to the meetingof the Festive Occasion Committee (formerly known as the Hol iday Decorating Committee, formerly known as the Christmas Committee)which will be electing officer s for this year’s committee’s Steering Committee. The Steering Committee isavery important working group of the F.O.C., which p roposes agenda items for the F.O.C.’s coming term. These age nda items are the only items thatmay be voted on by the F.O.C.’s RulesComm ittee, which actually sets the F.O.C.’s agenda. So, as you can see, these Steering Committee officer elections are veryimportant. So,come on down to Granger and Susie’s front yard tonight at6pm! See democracy inaction!—Granger &Susie on Plum St.

NEVER MIND ABOUT THE KID!!!!
THAT WAS ONE OF MY LITTLE BOYS’S’S FRIEND’S. HES NOT ONE OF THE ONES THAT LIVES HERE. ONLY SOMETIME DURING THE DAY?!?! ALL MY KIDS I HAVE COUNTED FOR!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I MOVED AWAY FROM MARIPOSA HEIGHTS TO GET AWAY FROM THE NAZIS
For your information, I moved away from Mariposa Heights to get away from the Nazis. Last time I checked, this neighborhood was still a free country. You know who you are, you know what I mean, and you know what I’m talking about.—Trey on Solstice Ln.

ANYONE GOT A PAELLA PAN?
And some saffron threads? Hit me if so.—Shelly on Oakleaf Pl.

HOLY SHIT!
Did y’all hear that?—Marvin on Maple

OK!! LOOK FOR KID! AGAIN!!
HIS OWNMOTHER IS INTERESTED. IN FINDING HIM!!! BUT SHE DOESNT LIVE IN!!!! THIS NEIHGBOORHOOD!!! WHAT IS THE NUMBER FOR 911 WHER E SHE LIVES????!!!????—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

NEED A BABYSITTER?
Hello, neighbors. After much discussion among the family and also with Devandra, my life coach, David and I have empowered our daughter, Freedom Flower, to reach her own conclusions about whether she would like to earn extra income (on top of her weekly family profit sharing) by babysitting kids in the neighborhood. We are so proud to announce that after weeks of careful consideration, she has indeed chosen to take her first tentative steps down this path. If you are interested, we have created a website for her, www.freedomflowersits.com, where you can book babysitting appointments. Or, friends who have our home number can simply press 2 to access her touchtone response scheduling system. Please note that Freedom Flower is a sensitive child, so she can only work in television-, artificial coloring-, and sucrose-free households. And to ensure that she rests long enough to enter into the deep, regenerative sleep states all 19-year-olds need, she must be home by 11:30pm.—Sylvia on Birch

DAMN! WTF?
There it is again.—Marvin on Maple