Mitt Romney, joke ruiner

Then she said, “That big.” I said, “Ma’am, in that case, I urge you to turn your money over to my partners and I, who are far more qualified to manage it for steady growth. Don’t worry, you’ll get a small stipend.”•A priest, a rabbi and Mitt Romney are walking down the street. The priest says, “Say, I wonder which one of us will die first.” The rabbi says, “Oy! Such a question! But, OK, I’ll bite. I’m guessing you will die first, Father.” Then Mitt Romney says, “You know, I think a company I briefly owned got the paving contract for this street. Man, we broke that company up and made a killing selling off the subsidiaries. That’s how I was able to buy my home in Belize. Oh, sorry. What were you fellows talking about?”

•A drunk walks into a bar. Bartender Mitt Romney says, “Sir, after my bouncer kicks the living shit out of you, remember you can get absolutely free, top-notch medical care at any hospital emergency room. Just don’t bleed on my floor. Oh, Bruiser…”

•Traveling salesman Mitt Romney stops in at a local farm. The farmer says, “OK, traveling salesman Mitt Romney, I’ll let you sleep in my barn, but you keep away from my beautiful 17-year-old daughter. She’s a virgin, and she better still be one in the morning.” Traveling salesman Mitt Romney says, “Thank you for the kind offer, but I’m staying at the Four Seasons in town. But, sir, have you ever considered selling this property? You see, my partners and I control a little conglomerate. Nothing much to speak of, just a few billion under management. And we’d like to buy your property and develop it into a planned community. Our generous offer will be just enough to completely pay off your mortage, so you’ll be able to start all over from scratch. And I think we could see our way clear to hiring you on as a caretaker, or a maintenance man or something like that. Now how’s that sound, pops, huh?”

•A lawyer, a doctor and Mitt Romney are on a plane. The engine dies and it’s clear the plane is going to crash. The lawyer says, “Look, guys, there are three of us, but there’s only two parachutes. What—” but before he can finish, Mitt Romney grabs one of the parachutes, puts it on and leaps out of the plane. “Whew, that was close,” Mitt Romney thinks as he floats safely to earth. “That other parachute was made by a company I leveraged into bankruptcy back in ‘04. No way would I take a chance on that cheap piece of crap.”

•Little Susie and Little Mitt Romney are playing doctor. Little Susie says, “Oh, Doctor Little Mitt Romney, I have a strange feeling between my legs. You better take a look!” Then Little Mitt Romney says, “Sure, not a problem. I will, however, need you to put up a $5,000 cash deposit before any course of treatment commences. Since you came to my office already complaining of this malady, that’s a pre-existing condition, which, as you know, is not covered by insurance. So, I think by having a little ‘skin in the game,’ so to speak, you’ll be more motivated to participate in the limited treatment options available, such as prayer. Now, Susie, if you’ll first just sign this waiver…”

Women from my binder

Name: Candace Harshing
Position applied for: COO, Rich Malley Industries
Notable: During interview, inquired whether she’d be, “making the same as the other guys.”
Recommendation: REJECT



Name: Roxanne Amalu
Position applied for: Comptroller, Rich Malley Financial Services
Notable: During interview seemed smarter than me.
Recommendation: REJECT



Name: Ann Marie Malone
Position applied for: Executive Producer, Rich Malley Media
Notable: A bit too big for her britches.
Recommendation: REJECT



Name: Sally Ruggins
Position applied for: Coffee attendant, Rich Malley Consultants
Notable: During interview, asked whether I’d like room for cream.
Recommendation: HIRE



Name: Mary Ewald
Position applied for: Lead Business Strategist, Rich Malley Amalgamated  
Notable: Laughed out loud at 5-year plan.
Recommendation: REJECT

If I had to write Mitt Romney's features and benefits

1. RealTRESS implants look like actual human hair without combing, cutting or maintenance.

2. AcatPLUS advanced conscience abatement technology for limitless political maneuvering over unpredictable event terrain with no hindrance from actual beliefs.

3. ReversoFlux circuitry with HypocrisyShield for seamless, shameless policy pivots.

4. InfoLok technology with Platitude Plus Response resists disclosure of incriminating personal information and draconian policy specifics, generates content-free soothing sound bites.

5. DoubleDown reiterative circuitry delivers the appearance of the resolve leaders need, inhibits reversing even the most reprehensible positions.

6. DermoFlex2 skin composite for near-human facial expressions completely decoupled from actual emotions or beliefs.

7. SinceroMax vocal processor adds truthful inflection to even the most blatantly false public statements.

8. FrigiTicker maintains the coldheartedness needed to pursue quixotic ambition free from worry about the common good.

9. Clean caucasian form factor for “traditional” voter appeal.

10. Wide, bottomless pockets accommodate endless streams of donor cash. Now with added KochPort.