Another letter People Magazine will never print

Dear Messers Editor and Sub-Editor:

In reference to yours of August 18 (“OMG! OMG! OMG! Jen Says, ‘Yes!’”), the way I figure it, you gentlemen owe me a new pair of trousers and a fresh change of underpants.

If, in the future, you plan to herald such stunningly, magnificently, miraculously exciting news on your cover, I suggest you mail issues of your magazine in a plain brown wrapper with a warning printed outside: “Caution: delightful contents may induce pants-wetting!”

You shall be hearing from my attorneys regarding details of the recompense.

That is all.

R. D. Ellmay

PS: Trousers, 44-inch waist, 28-inch inseam; brief-style underpants, XXL.