My summer blockbuster lineup

 

Robert Downey Jr. is
Iron-poor Blood Man
“He’s sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.”

In a world where the stresses of life and work mount continuously and threaten to overwhelm him, one man, Austin, TX freelance interactive copywriter Rich Malley (Robert Downey Jr.), must conquer the forces of lassitude and drag his ass out of bed every morning, even though he, “just kinda feels pooped all the time.” But does “Geritol,” the mysterious potion he finds in his medicine cabinet, hold the key to his redemption?

Robert Downey Jr. in
LinkedIn
“Four score and seven connections ago…”

In a world where it’s not what you know, but who you know, one man, Austin, TX freelance interactive copywriter Rich Malley (Robert Downey Jr.), attempts to click his way to into the staffing databases of the most powerful creative agencies in town. But challenges loom, and disappointment awaits. Can he gain the contacts that will help him hold the tenuous union between his balance sheet liabilities and his actual cash on hand together?


Robert Downey Jr. in
Fast and Furiously 3D
“They don’t call them ‘deadlines’ for nothing.”

In a world where my one of my client’s clients suddenly realizes, “Oh, we do have the budget to do that new mobile app in Q3 after all,” one man, Austin, TX freelance interactive copywriter Rich Malley (Robert Downey Jr.), must engage in heated battle with a batch of hastily re-purposed and partially incomplete wireframes, in an attempt to ward off a crappy user experience for thousands, and save the sanity of the overwhelmed reps of the vastly understaffed support desk. But can he do it before his head explodes and his brains fly straight toward the screen in full 3D?

 

My failed copywriting test for Brookstone

Grill Alert Talking Meat Thermometer

The ideal companion for the lonely outdoor chef. Actually speaks in complete sentences, such as:
“You burned the steaks again, dipshit.”
“I told you the coals weren’t ready.”
“No, really, I love charred on the outside, frozen on the inside.”
“If anyone asks, I’ll just say, What cutlet that got dropped in the dirt? I didn’t see a cutlet get dropped in the dirt.”
Choose from three digital voices: Annoying next-door-neighbor, hectoring cousin, or alcoholic best friend.

Stealth UV Toothbrush Sanitizer


Finally, an answer for those who live with a spouse, significant other or roommate who refuses to sanitize his/her filth-encrusted toothbrush. Utilizing patented cloaking technology developed for military fighter planes, the Stealth Sanitizer penetrates your bathroom’s radar defenses, dodges incoming bacterial flak, and makes a perfect three-point landing on your vanity, where it captures the offending toothbrush and subjects it to a withering interrogation under germ-killing ultraviolet light. Once microbes are neutralized, the Stealth Sanitizer releases the toothbrush and again takes flight, maintaining a silent holding pattern above your shower for up to 12 hours before needing recharging (deluxe rechargeable unit only). 

Ladies Bionic Golf Glove


One-handed ladies, are you tired of getting your ass kicked up and down the golf course over and over again because you just can’t get any distance off the tee with your feeble single-arm swing? Well, now you can turn the tables. Inside this glove is an itsy-bitsy nuclear reactor that powers an impossibly complex series of teeny-tiny gears, wires and pulleys to give your golf swing real zing! CAUTION: tee shots may be lethal. Not responsible for putting green craters. 14-hour bionic attachment surgery not included. 

Bactrack S80 Professional Fuel Cell Breathalyzer


That old saying is true: if you think you might need a personal breathalyzer, you definitely need a personal breathalyzer. Why let law enforcement’s blood alcohol testing device have the last word when an inaccurate reading could be the difference between vehicular homicide or simple negligent manslaughter? With its patented “Round It Down” technology, this gadget is reasonable doubt you can carry in your coat pocket, and still have room for your flask. 

Copywriting 101: Brevity is the very essence, the soul, one might even say, of wit

Both members of our household independently noticed that there are two unnecessary words on this sign promoting the new Zachary Scott Theatre facility under construction nearby. Here’s what might have happened:

Client: We want a slogan to get people excited about our new facility. We’re having some signs made.

Account exec: Got it.

One week later…

Account exec: Any feedback?
Client: Hmmm, “Expect wonders.” Well, the messaging is right on, but it will look kind of bare for the size we have to work with, don’t you think?
Account exec: Well, our AD will give it the perfect type treatment and layout. It’ll look great.
Client: No, we’re just going to have the sign company do that. The lettering is going to look just like the example I showed you.
Account exec: OK, we’ll work on it.

The next day…

Client: Perfect!

Do NOT buy sauerkraut unless it's made with...

Let’s say it together: BARREL FRESH GOODNESS!

I mean, that must have been one tough day at the copy mill:

CD: Where’s my callout for the Libby’s label?

CW: Oh, my head.

CD: Who told you to eat a dozen Jagermeister jello shots last night, stupid?

CW: (moaning)

CD:  Well?

CW: Go away!

CD: Not until you give me a sauerkraut callout.

CW: OK, OK. (pause) Made with… (mumbling)

CD: Sorry? Didn’t get that.

CW: I said, made with barrel fresh goodness, asshole!

CD: Hmmm.

CW:  (moaning, now curled up on floor)

CD: It’s pretty good, but it’s too long. How about we lose the last word, so it’s just, “Made with barrel fresh goodness?” 

CW: (moaning)

CD: Yeah, that works. I’m going to get this to Matty. He can build a “made with barrel fresh goodness” ribbon or some shit. And don’t forget we have a meeting on the new mixed fruit can labels in 10 minutes.

CW: (whimpering)

Only in SkyMall can jizz on your shoes be cool

God, how I love SkyMall. It’s the only place I know to find the “lastest developments in ancient Oriental healing methods.” Or a life-sized abominable snowman sculpture in hand-painted poly-resin. But on a flight this weekend, the Oblogatory staff spotted a callout in the ad for spring-loaded gravity defyer™ shoes that just blew our minds. One of us said, “Is that a sperm logo on the shoe?” Then we noticed the little line from the sperm to the copy callout: “Slick Seed of Life Logo—Because it’s cool!” Wha? Huh? Puts the “Stop Imagining!” headline in a whole new light. 

Some copywriters have all the fun. Sorry the picture is so crappy.