The manifold joys of the enormous Uline catalog

I don’t remember when I became aware of Uline, the self-styled “leading distributor of shipping, industrial and packaging materials to businesses throughout North America,” but it wasn’t all that long ago.

But I recently made a minor purchase or two from them, and now I am on their mailing list. And I am infatuated with their 627 page catalog (subscribe here), which is full of esoteric items I don’t understand, would never use, but covet nonetheless. If your business does shipping, warehousing, packaging, retailing, materials handling or any other semi-industrial task, OMG, is this catalog chock full of treasures for you! Let’s take a look, shall we? 

First of all, the cover is a paragon of attractive, simple, candy-colored design:

Now, about those esoteric items. So you say you’re tired of your bollards going sleeveless? Sleeve them shits, homie:

You’re sackin’ lots of material and sealing the bags is no cinch? Go whole hog ring:

Oily rags. Your mother warned you about ‘em, my mother warned me about ‘em. How much damage do fires caused by oily rags do every year? Millions of dollars worth! Because people have never had a place to stick ‘em! Until now:

The professional eyewash station cognoscenti don’t say, “Give me a top-of-the-line, best-in-class, leading edge, fully OSHA compliant, no-plumbing-needed eyewash station.” No, they have a shorthand for that. They just say, “Motherfucker, I want a Fendall™ 2000!”

OK, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, wow, that’s great that Uline has all that stuff, but what does Uline have for the Tuscan smoker? A POLE, that’s what! Just for Tuscan smokers! Unbelieves! 

Sick of posers trying to front their way into your spot, but not quite ready to get rough with them? Control those fools and keep them up outta there with some plush class:

Those anguished cries of, “Where’s my tape?! I can’t find my tape!”??? They’re a thing of the past, mofo. Put some conspicuity to that shit:

Your foam is too simple, son!

I’m not too sexy for my zebra snap-blade knife, my zebra snap-blade knife is too sexy for me:

And that’s just a tiny fraction of the stuff I found to highlight. Catalog rating: delightful

My failed copywriting test for Brookstone

Grill Alert Talking Meat Thermometer

The ideal companion for the lonely outdoor chef. Actually speaks in complete sentences, such as:
“You burned the steaks again, dipshit.”
“I told you the coals weren’t ready.”
“No, really, I love charred on the outside, frozen on the inside.”
“If anyone asks, I’ll just say, What cutlet that got dropped in the dirt? I didn’t see a cutlet get dropped in the dirt.”
Choose from three digital voices: Annoying next-door-neighbor, hectoring cousin, or alcoholic best friend.

Stealth UV Toothbrush Sanitizer

Finally, an answer for those who live with a spouse, significant other or roommate who refuses to sanitize his/her filth-encrusted toothbrush. Utilizing patented cloaking technology developed for military fighter planes, the Stealth Sanitizer penetrates your bathroom’s radar defenses, dodges incoming bacterial flak, and makes a perfect three-point landing on your vanity, where it captures the offending toothbrush and subjects it to a withering interrogation under germ-killing ultraviolet light. Once microbes are neutralized, the Stealth Sanitizer releases the toothbrush and again takes flight, maintaining a silent holding pattern above your shower for up to 12 hours before needing recharging (deluxe rechargeable unit only). 

Ladies Bionic Golf Glove

One-handed ladies, are you tired of getting your ass kicked up and down the golf course over and over again because you just can’t get any distance off the tee with your feeble single-arm swing? Well, now you can turn the tables. Inside this glove is an itsy-bitsy nuclear reactor that powers an impossibly complex series of teeny-tiny gears, wires and pulleys to give your golf swing real zing! CAUTION: tee shots may be lethal. Not responsible for putting green craters. 14-hour bionic attachment surgery not included. 

Bactrack S80 Professional Fuel Cell Breathalyzer

That old saying is true: if you think you might need a personal breathalyzer, you definitely need a personal breathalyzer. Why let law enforcement’s blood alcohol testing device have the last word when an inaccurate reading could be the difference between vehicular homicide or simple negligent manslaughter? With its patented “Round It Down” technology, this gadget is reasonable doubt you can carry in your coat pocket, and still have room for your flask.