Need money for life's essentials? Download DoFor!

Tired of complaining that you work your ass off, but still don’t have enough money for decent food, shelter and clothing?

Meet DoFor! DoFor! is the revolutionary app for our times.

Even with full time employment, lots of us—well, lots of you—are still just barely hanging on.

The unique DoFor! algorithm is driven by the latest income inequality statistics. With DoFor! you can find people near you who are willing to give you cash for doing the things they just don’t want to. Like spending quality time with their model girlfriends. Driving their Maseratis so the engines stay lubed. Tasting their gourmet food for off notes that may (but probably don’t) indicate poison. Or even polishing their gold.

Just open the app, tap the map, and within minutes you’ll be matched with a CashTasker near you. But hurry! Whichever DoFor! gets there first gets the work—and the money!

Worry less about being evicted, malnourishing your children, walking with holes in your shoes, or going without heat in the winter—download DoFor! today!

 

Got more money than time? Download DoFor!

Are you tired of complaining that you have more money than you need, but not enough time to wipe your own ass? Well, now you don’t have to complain! Or wipe your own ass, for that matter!

Meet DoFor! DoFor! is the revolutionary app for our times.

You’ve got plenty of money, it’s just that you don’t have enough time to enjoy the finer things in life, much less the drudgery of everyday living, like cleaning your house, shopping for groceries, nurturing your children, or, well, wiping your own ass.

The unique DoFor! algorithm is powered by up-to-the-minute income inequality statistics. With DoFor! you can find people near you who need cash and are willing to “DoFor!” it. Just open the app, tap the map, and within minutes you’ll have a DoFor at your door, and at your command.

We carefully vet all of our DoFors, so you’ll know you’ll get someone who knows how to step-and-fetch-it, pronto! To sign up, all DoFors must show proof of full time employment, a pay stub proving they make less than $100,000 per year, and a breakdown of annual expenses proving they are just barely hanging on.

You may wonder, how do our DoFors have the time to DoFor! you? They need the money, so they make the time!

Download DoFor!, and never wash your car, pay your bills, stand in line at the DMV, buy gifts for your spouse, give blood, clean your toilets—or wipe your own ass—again!

 

5 iPhone apps you are lame for not having yesterday

Whimsy by App With People. This app does just what it says—make whimsy. There are no controls and you don’t do anything. You just put it on your iPhone and it simply suffuses everything in your life with, well, you know. Not recommended for the terminally ill.

What the Fuck Did I Do with My Oh Wait Never Mind by CodeFellows. You know how sometimes you think you’ve lost your iPhone, but you really haven’t? This app is for those times. Whenever you’ve misplaced your phone, simply head toward your computer, and before you can sit down at the keyboard you’ll be like, “Oh, yeah. I left it on the goddamn clothes dryer.”

Hipstonite by Onezunzeros. If you’re like me, hipsters are always hovering around, copying every facet of how you dress, eat and play. It can be a bit much sometimes, especially if like me you are allergic to beard hair. Hipstonite emits a spread frequency hum that recreates the aural ambience of a Wal-Mart. The result? Hipsters leave, and they don’t come back!

MoneyDripper by See Plus Plus Plus. MoneyDripper is a new kind of personal debt visualizer: it’s financial insolvency you can see.  With a few taps, you enter your entire financial history as well as all of your account numbers. Then MoneyDripper displays a soothing image of water dripping onto a stone. Every drop means you are one step closer to hitting rock bottom of the financial shit hole you’ve dug yourself into. But the interface and gestural responses of this app are just so elegantly conceived and rendered, who cares?

Wooby Woo by Ye Aulde Appe Factorie. Wooby Woo is a FaceTime accessory for tiny babies and their back-to-work parents. This one-size-fits-most head bracket lets parents mount their iPhones to capture every expression on babies’ faces and watch them all day long as a PiP insert on their desktop monitors. And baby can see mommy and daddy hard at work in front of their computers, too. Unfortunately, due to the optimal focal distance of 6.47”, baby sees mommy and daddy as kind of these fuzzy blob-like things, but any crossed eyes or pre-migraine-like symptoms should clear up by adolescence.