Paula Deen's Good Ol' Plantation Day Favorites

 

Massa’s Favorite Pea Soup
3 lbs. darky-shucked green peas
6 cups slave-style chicken broth
Spices to taste

Just give your girl the ingredients list. She’ll know what to do. Her mammy probably made this for your mama and daddy lots of times.

 

Massa’s Favorite Flaky Biscuits
3 cups white flour
Shortenin’
1 cup well water drawn by your colored person

Mix all ingredients. Beat well. When your uppity girl finally gets the message that you want biscuits and you want biscuits NOW, stop the beating and she’ll get her shiftless ass to work.

 

Massa’s Favorite Thievin’ Darky Pot Luck

This isn’t really a recipe so much as a plan for throwing together a last-minute feast in a hurry. 

Send your girl down to where the coloreds stay. Get her to tell those darkies they best turn over all the nice victuals you know they done stole from your larder. Send Ol’ Buck down there with her if you have to. Ol’ Buck, he may be black as coal, but he hates a thievin’, shiftless darky just like he’s a real person. Once your girl returns with the recovered food, tell her to throw together something nice for lunch, and but quick! Keep on ‘em or they’ll take advantage, you know.


Good eatin’, y’all!
Paula “I ain’t no racist” Deen

 

Latest sure-to-be-rejected letter to People Magazine

Dear People Magazine people:

THANK YOU SO MUCH for putting the formerly fat-faced Paula Deen and her jackal-like sons on the cover of your latest issue! 

In today’s world, we are bombarded with so much hate and negativity. Sometimes that makes me lose sight of the things that are truly worth being hateful and negative about. 

Your cover photo of the Deen harridan and her simpering toady brood brought that all home for me. 

I feel that now I can go forward, secure in the knowledge that I’ll never forget how much I hate this base and despicable woman. 

I know that sometimes on those nights you can’t sleep, you must law awake questioning your very existence and think, “Why am I wasting my life helping to put out this stupid, worthless magazine?”

The next time that happens, just remember, you’re helping a guy in Austin, TX remember which hate to hold onto. 

All my best, yo, 

R. D. Malley