Many lazy news accounts described Mitt Romney as “shell-shocked” at news of his defeat. Which response would have more eloquently evoked his reaction?
A) “Mr. Romney had the expression of a man who raised all-in, only to learn the pair of sevens he considered unbeatable was crushed by a full house, kings full of eights.”
B) “He had the haunted mien of a man fearing an oncoming Koch overdose.”
C) “Mr. Romney wore the countenance of a man who’d just vomited his lifelong ambition—along with his dinner—into the toilet.”
D) “Dude looked like he’d been bitch-slapped by reality.”
Similarly, many analyses said the Republican party would need to do some “soul-searching” in the wake of this loss. What does that really mean?
A) Backstabbing, scapegoating, and ass-covering
B) Credible Latino candidate-searching
C) Deciding which issue to “double-down” on in an all-out attempt to prevent President Obama’s re-re-election in 2016
D) Rationalizing the loss without in any way implicating the party’s platform, candidate, campaign strategy, execution, or increasing irrelevance to the exigencies of the 21st century
What will be President Obama’s most pressing post-election priority?
A) Cleaning the champagne stains from the locker room carpet in campaign HQ
B) Explaining to Vice President Biden and his posse that the party ended six days ago
C) Reaching across the aisle to extend a handshake to congressional Republicans, only to pull it back at the last second—Psych!
D) Herding his gloats
Regarding the first main issue likely to be taken up by the new Congress, how does the “debt ceiling” relate to the “fiscal cliff?”
A) It blocks suicidal Republican soreheads from climbing too high up the cliff, thereby limiting their injuries to a few broken, twisted limbs.
B) Although both issues were raised by the same conservative think tank, they are not blood kin.
C) They are the same thing, kinda, but not really.
D) The gypsum in the debt ceiling sheetrock was quarried from the fiscal cliff.
The 2016 presidential campaign effectively began last Tuesday. Who do polls show with the early leads?
A) Please. Are you kidding?
C) Your momma.
ANSWERS: Go with your gut. That always works.
Weakening the protective private-sector money dam
Unfluffing the comfy cash cushion
Radical fundamentalist fair-ism
Forcibly suppressing our natural greed reflex
Unfairly attacking poor, defenseless regressive taxation
Arrogantly and arbitrarily favoring selflessness over selfishness
Robbing the gilt, diamond-encrusted cookie jar
Stealing from Peter (Posspount-Weatherford III, Esq.) to pay Pablo
Dishonoring massive inherited wealth
Ignoring the sacrifices made by our robber-baron forefathers