An update from my neighborhood listserv

HELIO NGIEBSOR!!!1!
I just wanated to ALERT EVERONE that a man knocked on my door. Hel said he was LOOKING for HIS DOG. He was about sixty-two. and he was black. I’m NOT BEING RACIAL. I’m just saying that for identifi… for ifden… for to help recognize him. If in case the police are called.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hi, I just wanted to alert everyone that an elderly man knocked on my door (he was about sixty-four), and he was black, which I only mention so you will know if a man comes knocking on your door whether it was this man, or perhaps another man of a different skin hue. That’s the only reason. At any rate, he seemed like a nice man, but I didn’t open the door. I’m not sure what he wanted—it was hard to make out what he was saying through the reinforced steel panels—but I think he was asking if I had seen his doll. Maybe he’s senile? In which case hopefully the police are kind to him, if anyone feels the need to call the police.—Janet on Pierce Pl.

Neighborhood residents who live on the south side of the ‘hood, please be aware that there have been reports of a man knocking on doors looking for young women. For identification purposes (only, not for any other reasons) he is a large black male, approximately 6’2”-6’4”. I’m not sure if the police have been called.—Marvin on Hackberry St.

HELO NIEGBSOR!!
I forgotted to MENTION that the Afro-American gentleman who CaMe to my door was holding a dog collar and a LEESH!!!! So he may rilly BE LOOKING FOR HIS doG.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Neighbors, we are trying to locate my dad. Our son’s little dog ran away and Billy was so heartbroken that “grandpa” has been canvassing the neighborhood all morning trying to find him. Unfortunately, Dad left his cellphone at the house, so we have no way of letting him know that Rascal came home safe and sound. If you encounter a man carrying a leash and dog collar, will you please tell him his daughter said the dog is safe and he should come home? Thanks.—Candace on Cedar Elm St.

HEY , NEISGHROB!
DOES ANYONE know why there are ALL THOSE POLIC CARS at the corner of HACKBERRY and CEDAR ELM? It looks like WORLd WaR IIII over there!! Just askin’!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

 

 

Halloween posts from my neighborhood listserv

HEELo nAYBOSR! DOES ANyONE HAVE A BLACK cAT BILLY CAN BORRO FOR HOWWOLEEN? HE WILL RETORN IT IN GoD CONDITION OR GET RID OF IT FOR YOU. YOUR CHOICE LEt ME KOW!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Fellow Ashtown Heights residents: Not trying to be alarmist, but just a reminder that every year thousands and thousands of children die right here in our neighborhood from gluten-laced Halloween candy. As an alternative, consider bringing your kids to the Fall Earth Spirits party at the Ashtown Heights Preschool Child Potential Center on Ashtown Way, where we will be handing out natural organic treats, such as red apple slices. Oh, and also, green apple slices. Yours in shielding children from real world experiences.—Ms. Srisatva, Preschool Director.

OK, NAYBORSS! I GIT IT! BILLY WILL RETURN thE BLaCK CAT WITHER YO WAnT IT BAC OR NO. i BET MOST OF YOU HATER S DoNT’ EVEN HAVE A BLACK CAT SO WHAT DO yOU CARE NOSEY PARKERs!!!!!!?????—BERtHA ON HOLMES AVE

This is my annual reminder to neighborhood parents that just because tomorrow night all of my exterior lights will be off, my house will be utterly devoid of any exterior holiday-themed decorations, my shades drawn and my house completely dark inside except for the glow of my TV DOES NOT mean I am running a Halloween “spook house.” And not to reopen old wounds, so to speak, but I’d remind everyone that I won a full acquittal in 1999, and was allowed to keep the shotgun. Fair warning.—Otto on Bark St.

Hi, everyone. Skip surprised me with front row tickets to Foo Fighters tomorrow, and he’s arranged a full-blown night on the town with a limo, dinner at La Tony’s before and a VIP table at Baccarat later. Any parents of youngsters out there mind taking Sasha and Julius trick-or-treating, and maybe keeping an eye on them until, oh, I don’t know, 1am or so? I’d gladly pay you. I’ve accumulated a ton of gift cards to the kind of chain restaurants that I’d never be caught dead in. Lemme know.—Janice on Moore La.

PS. It’d be great if you had a couple of extra little costumes.

NEvER MIND, NAYBORS. My HUbSAND SAYS HE’LL JUST TRAP A STRAY AND DIE IT BLACK.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Recent highlights from my neighborhood listserv

GOd morinG NEIBORGS! I just want to lett you’ll KNOW THAT I HAVE MUFFINS. For sale. Comme AND GIT ER!!!—Bertha on Holmes Ave.

Hi, does anyone have some kale fermenter I can borrow? My four-year-old was playing with our microbes and killed them. I can’t bear the thought of paying retail prices for our schlembacha, plus there’s a certain je ne c’est quois and piquancy to the self-fermented kind. Anyone?—Mary on Monroe
P.S. Yes, I did use this as a teachable moment to educate my son about the sanctity of all life, and most especially microbial life.

Ha! HA! VARY FUNNY!!!!! Some one EMAiLeD me private and ASKED IF my MUFFINS WAS FRAISH!! Thats’ dis gUstinge!—Bertha on Holmes Ave.

To the neighbor who wanted kale fermenter (more properly known as volmet, by the way), I have some extra upchukka (i.e., beet fermenter) that you can have. Not sure if it’s a good volmet replacement, but you can try it. I’ll leave it in a jar on the front porch, and I’ll make sure it’s exposed to the air and in direct sunlight. We like the fuzzy stuff that grows on top, but you can scrape it off if it’s not to your taste. Good luck!—Sativa on Lemonade Ln.

Hi, neighbors. I cleaned out my inbox, and so I lost a lot of phone numbers to businesses and services that people on this listserv have recommended over the years. Right now I’m looking for the number of who to call about two groups of young men who are engaged in a running gun battle in the alley behind me. It’s not that it’s bothering me in my house, but I am working the late shift this week, and the fusillade is a little too vigorous for me to risk a dash to the carport. Would anyone have that number handy? Thanks.—Mr. L on Tremaine Ct.

NIEHBSOR!!! You’ll KNOW THAT MUFFINS IS ARE KITTEN WRITE????!!!!!!! Whan HE ASked me if MUFFINS WAS FRAISH I got the wrong WRONG idae!! HA!!!!!!! HA!!!!!!!!!!!! HA!!!!!—Bertha on Holmes Ave.

To the lady who was looking for volmet or upchukka (can’t remember which it was), if it hasn’t been too long since you last fed him schlembacha, you might try culturing some from your little one’s stool. Worked for us! Hope this helps.—Josh on Mulberry Rd.

Recent posts from my neighborhood listserv

 

HI, nIegbhors! SPimmy and tiMmy!! Need a TELSA COYLE for they’re “end of sumer” seance expeeremen. i DONT KNOW what a telsa coyle is butt they say its’ to do wilth the baby rabits speakin of winch has ANYONE bin in our hunch?! were missing a dough. let me no if you have a TELSA COYLE!!!! THX!!! :)—
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
PS: and ALSO if you have our DOUGH


Hello, there. We’re new in the “hood,” and were wondering about the coffee situation nearby. Is there anywhere close that serves a good old fashioned humane, organic, gluten-free pumpkin spice latte made under supportive working conditions at a living wage? Failing that, a Starbucks will do. Thanks
Rhiana and Donnel on Polk St.


NIEGBHORS! SPIMMy and timMY SAY TO SAY that th TELSA COYLE NEEDS TO be 220! i can COME PICK IT UP!!!!!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
PS: HoW MUCH DOES IT WAY??????11111!!!


Has anyone else noticed that the noise situation inside my house is intolerable? I live right by a sidewalk, and people have a tendency to walk by my house whilst engaging in conversation and I can hear that there are people there talking. I can’t hear what they are saying, but I can hear that they are walking by and existing within mere feet of my private property. Has anyone else noticed this about my house? Is this normal? Can I sue the city? I’ve lived in this neighborhood a long time, (since early 2012), and if I had known it was going to turn into the wild west, I would’ve stayed in Boca.
Doug on Rafford Mill


Hello, all. I want to alert all residents that the time is fast approaching for our annual neighborhood clean up party. We will meet in the parking lot of Gudger’s Fine Meats at 5am this Saturday morning. Patty’s Donuts apologizes, but they will not be able to donate donuts this year, but Patty said she will send Consuela over with a box of holes. Also, Mr. Gudger will provide ice tea, emu jerky and neoprene gloves. Some of the gloves might be a little bloody, so if that’s a problem, you may choose to bring your own. This year we will be concentrating on clearing derelict vehicles from the neighborhood’s vacant lots. If we get 50 or 60 people, we should be able to finish by dark. Please let me know if you are coming and whether you want a hole, and, if so, what flavor (chocolate or chocolate fudge).
Janice on Curlilew Ct


THANK yOU TO WHEVER LEFT THE TELSA COYLE OWN MY CAR!! !!1 !!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
PS: WHut HAPPESN when i toch THIS thing RIGHT he—OW!


Just a heads up that yesterday we observed two subjects kick down the front door of my neighbor’s house, forcibly remove him, cover his head with a hood, shove him in the back seat of their car and drive away. Do you think it would be a good idea for us to call 3-1-1 when we see something like this in the future, or should we just mention it to our police liaison at the monthly meeting?
Cliff & Ginny on Erhardt St.


O & NEIHGBRHRS!!!!! WE FOUND the doUGH!!!!! SHE hid to death UNDER THE HUNCH. WILL mis her.!!!!! tiMMY AND SPimmy our SAD. : )
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

 

Recent highlights from my neighborhood listserv

 


HELLO, NGIEBROS!! I GOT a LETtER TELLING ME I WON A BIG PRIZE. BUT IT HAS NOT SHOWNED UP. ON my DOORSTOP!!! WHICH ONE OF YOU ToOK MY BIG PRIZE!!!!!!!????
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hi, folks. We’re new in the “‘hood,” and have a lot to learn. Could someone please tell us when the ice cream trucks start coming around? Our kids are new to city living and we think they’d get a kick out of this old fashioned tradition.
Bill and Cassie on Shunk St.

Neighbors, I have some good news: I have successfully lobbied the City Council to add an agenda item to discuss a potential neighborhood-by-neighborhood referendum that has the potential to ban those parasitic ice cream vendors from our neighborhood forever. People in other neighborhoods can suffer through an endless loop of Popeye the Sailor Man performed on the synthesized glockenspiel, but as for me, I’m going to do everything in my power to get those blood-sucking weasels off OUR streets. And your little sugar-addicted munchkins be damned!
Harry on Muenster Cir.

OK, NEGIBONS! YORE SILANCE SAY IT ALL: ITS A CONSPRI, A CONPIARS, A COPSNIARC… YALL GANGDED UP ON ME! TO STEEL MY BIG PRIZZE!!!! WHAT I WANT TO KOW IS WHY!!!11!?????
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Who do I talk to about moving polling place locations in the neighborhood? I feel the current locations are entirely too accessible to certain people who I do not feel should have such an easy time voting, if you catch my drift. If we moved polling places to a gated subdivision in the neighborhood, I feel our democracy would be better served. Or I’m open to the idea of limiting the franchise to property owners, if folks think that’d do the trick. Thoughts?
Sylvia on Marchan Ct.

Peace be upon all our neighbors. We, the members of the Hoffman Living Cooperative, are pleased to announce that we have a bumper crop of ragweed sprouts to share. Many find these sprouts to build up their natural immunity to allergies. Just two or three pounds of them yields enough juice for a delicious ragweed sprout and hay pollen smoothie. We’ll have flats of sprouts set out by the curb over the weekend. Take all you want but use all you take, and leave some for others. Don’t worry about the smell—that’s just the growth medium we recycled from our composting toilets. Enjoy!
Brother Fred of Hoffman Living Cooperative on Rapple Way

Hi, there. Does anyone know a good, reliable company to call for fire suppression? There’s a little conflagration at the back of our house and we’d like to get some recommendations for reputable fire suppression contractors fairly soon, and certainly before the fire reaches the baby’s nursery. Thanks.
Sally and Brad on Adnan St.

NEER MIND NGEIBOSR!! THE LETTERS SAYS I >>>>MAY<<<< HAVE WON A BGI PRIZZE!! SO IT MUST STEEL BE oN THEWAY!!! SORRy I ACCURSED ‘YAL’L!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

 

The Latest from My Neighborhood Listserv

HI THARe NIEGHGBORS! I’M AM SELING MY EGGS11!!111!!!!! MANY OF WICH ARE FRETILE!!! COME BY!! AND GET YOU!!! SOME!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hi, we’re new to the neighborhood. We live over by “the old abandoned railroad tracks,” as our real estate agent called them. We’re just curious, about eight times a day there’s a really loud rumbling noise and a very loud horn honking and it seems to be coming from the direction of “those old abandoned railroad tracks,” as our real estate agent called them. Any idea what’s causing it? Our real estate agent says he doesn’t know what it is.
Candy and Mark on Railyard Ln

I just want to let it be known that I will beat the living shit out of anyone who comes near or even so much as looks at my azaleas this spring. I don’t do all that hard work just so my wacko neighbors can ruin them. Or look at them.
You have been warned.
Gary on Ridgely St.
PS: Yes, my dog bites.

CHICKEN’S’ EGG’S, NIEGHBGHBORS!! SOME OF YOU!1! GOT CONFUSED!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hey, y’all. We just wanted to let everyone know that we’re going to have a big blowout of a party tonight. So if we don’t answer the door at 3am, don’t worry, we’re OK. It’s just that we won’t be able to hear your knocking because the DJ we hired is blasting the tunes too loud. Just didn’t want anyone to be unduly concerned for our well being.
Lisa on Cravat St.

ALTHO I MIGT HAV E SOME OFF THE OTHER KIND!! IFF YOU NEED M!!! IM’ DONE WITH MY AVIARIES!! HA! HA!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hey, does anyone know who owns the little house with the stained glass windows and the tall pointy roof feature? I’ve been by during weekdays and no one ever seems to be home, although they always seem to have a lot of company visiting on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings. At any rate, my development partner and I are interested in buying that property. We have a client who would very much like to tear down that quaint old structure so that he can cover the entire lot—up to the legal limit, of course—with an enormous monolithic steel box of a home that he plans to use once or twice a year on his visits to town. It’s actually a good deal for the neighborhood, because most of the time the house will just sit empty and looming. So any leads on tracking down that homeowner would be appreciated.
Marlon on Alder Cir.

NEEIBGHBORS, HOW DID I KNOW SOME PEPLE WOOD BE OFF ENDED!!?? BECUAUSE THEY ARR TYRING TO HAVEA BABY!!?? AND CANT’!!!??? I DIDNT’ KNOW!! THAT! THERE JUTS EGSS!!!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

 

Happy New Year from my neighborhood listserv

HOWDY NeGBOARS!! ANND HAPY NEw YEAR!!!!!! I JUSAT WANTEDED EVERBOD TO KNOW THAT PHILIPS’ OTHER BALL DROPPED!!! HAL… HALLLEJUL… HALJLELU… PRAISE THE LORDD!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Dear Neighbors: Can anyone recommend a good Russian tutor for Savannah, our three-year-old? She’s already whipped through the Rosetta Stone Russian for Toddlers series, and we don’t want her to get behind in her second language acquisition before she starts Ms. Milliford’s Pre-Private School Academy next year. Please send all recommendations and referrals through Cassie Smith, Savannah’s academic nanny. Thank you.—Mark and Rhiannon on Sable Ct.

OK, NEHGBROS! HA HA HA VErY FUNY! OR SIC! IS MOR LIKE IT! I ASTUMED EVERBOD KNOW THAT PHILIP GOT TWO TEHTERBALLS CAUT IN THE TREES. AND THAT ONE ALREAY CAME DOWN!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Neighbors: Cecile, our beloved chicken is missing. Fence or no fence, she is part of the family, and we can’t imagine that she would just wander off. The children are totally bereft, not to mention that we haven’t had an omelet for several days. If anyone sees her, could you please suggest to her that she might be better off returning to our yard where she is fed organic scratch and where she is free to be the chicken she chooses to be, in a judgment-free, loving environment? Thank you!—Karen and Steven on Muncie St.

Loose Dog Alert: Hi, neighbors. A chocolate lab and a chow mix, both covered in viscera, feathers and blood, are roaming the north side of the neighborhood near Muncie St. City animal control has been called.—Ben on Durwood La.

BACAUS TO MAK JOKeS ABOUT MY BOYS’ BALL DROPPINGS ISNT” FUNY! HE IS ONLY 9TEEN!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Neighbors, a question: Our Spanish isn’t so hot, but Marta, our live-in housekeeper, is apparently trying to communicate with us (through gestures and crying) that she is owed an actual monetary wage beyond room and board. Also, she continues to act as if she is free to come and go as she pleases, though so far she hasn’t gotten farther than the front walk before we retrieve her. Are there any fluent Spanish speakers in the ‘hood who can please explain to her that she isn’t going anywhere, at least not until she has worked off the amount we paid Arturo, the broker who sold her to us? Arturo assured us she understood the terms of the deal. We want to be mostly fair, so we’d appreciate the help. If you want to give it a try, we’ve found the best way to communicate with her is to just yell through the food slot in the garage door. Thanks in advance, and “feliz ano nuevo.”—Bill and Sandy on Purell Cir.

AND ALSO, NAGbORES, I THUT I ALREDY MENGINED THAT PHILLLIPS’ TEnHTHERBALLS GOT STUK! HOW AM I SUPOPSED TO REMemMBER EVERTY THING!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

 

Latest highlights from the neighborhood listserv

Hi, NGIERBORS!!! This might be a little LAST MINUTE but if there are any musicicins playing at that BIG festival going on near the “hood” right now and THEY DON’T HAVE A PLACE TO STAY—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hello, we are new to the neighborhood and to the city. I would like someone to tell me what in the hell that all was about last night. The sound from the nearby multi-million dollar music festival was thunderous and deafening. My 6-month-old baby was so upset by my screams of frustration that he may be scarred for life. I called the festival hotline set up by the promoters, Fill, Coffers and Getalong, to handle noise complaints, and they referred me to 3-1-1. When I called 3-1-1, they took my report, but the volume never went down! In other words, I complained and nothing happened. Would someone please explain this to me? It was not like this at our gated community.—Robert on Summer St.

HOWDy!! NIGEBROS!!!! I hit ‘send” too soon!!! What I “MEANT” to say was if ANY MUSICICIASN playing the “rock and roll” FESTIVAL need a place to ““crash””—HEY! That’s what we called it in the ‘70s!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

I know this is a shot in the dark, but I lost my 6-week-old kitten about 8 months ago. Have you seen it? It’s got four legs and fur, and it was real small then, but it’s probably bigger now, if it’s still alive. I am offering an almost full 50 lb bag of kitten food as a reward. No, wait.—Gary on Banderson Way

Hello, it’s Little Anthony on Clabber St. Remember me? All the kids used to shoot baskets in front of our house on account of the basketball goal my dad set up near the curb. Yeah, that’s me. Long time, no see. So anyway, dad died and I came down to help my sisters empty out his house. First thing we need is a body bag. Anyone got one we can borrow, hopefully a nicer one?—Anthony formerly of Clabber St.

NGEIBOSR!1!! I am SO sorry!!! I DID  IT AGAIN!!!! WHAT I “meant” TO SAY was any musicicicis PLAYING THE ROCK FESTIVAL if they don’t have a “place” to “crash” at, THEY CAN COME STAY IN THE TREEHOUSE!!!! MY “KIDS” LOVE IT UP THERE!!!! I hope this massage gets to them!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hey, y’all, just want to remind you that the second half of the music festival is this weekend. I am collecting the addresses of people in the neighborhood who will be leaving town to get away from the crowds and the noise. If you will be away for the entire weekend and not liable to show up unannounced anytime between late Friday and late Sunday, please send me your address. I will check your home while you are gone to make sure that all of your valuables are still hidden where you left them. So along with your address, please also include the hiding places for any guns, high-end electronics and negotiable paper, so I can keep a vigilant eye on them.—Seth on Ryant St.

HELO NEIGBORRS!!! NEVER MIND!!!! I heard they got A MOTEL!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

 

Recent items from my neighborhood listserv

HElo NEIGBORS! Jimy habs been dignosed WITH A REAR DISEASE! It doESnt’ cause any problems acCept when he gets older he cant’ have babies. Butt theirs’ NO CURE unless we find a STEMCELL DONNOR. This is a WILD CHANCE, but does ANYONE IN THE HOOD have the CY9 MUTATION?!! COme on by if you do.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hello. We are new to the neighborhood and would like to know the best place to get a cup of artisanally steeped hypoallergenic organic tea. While Cozy’s, the neighborhood place down the street from us, is lovely, they refuse to give us anything in writing asserting that their artisanally steeped organic tea is hypoallergenic. So I’m afraid we shan’t be going there again. Any recommendations would be most appreciated.—Hildreth on Luana Ct.

LOST DOG: Neighbors, our dog Shorty, a shepherd/Dachshund mix, is missing since yesterday. We are heartbroken. Any help in locating him would be much appreciated.—Don on Vireo St.

DOG FOUND: Sorry for the false alarm. We accidentally left him in the Land Rover when we parked in our garage yesterday afternoon, and we didn’t notice him when we went out to dinner later because our other Land Rovers were in the way.  He’s fine, just a little dehydrated and pissed off. And while I’ve got you, I may as well ask for recommendations for a good auto upholstery and carpet cleaning service.—Don on Vireo St.

NeiGBROS! PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED if you aRe walking down HOLMES AVE and some laydy asKs to SWAB YOUR CHEEKS! That LAYDY IS ME! Im’ just lookign for A STEMCELL DONNOR FOR JIMY! I DONT’ BIT E I PROMISE!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

This is to publicly state that I will submit to the City’s new residential all-electric lawn equipment regulations and turn in my gas-powered Toro WHEN THOSE JERKS AT THE CITY PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

Hey, it’s June, and that means it’s time to feed, Kobe,  my boa constrictor. I was wondering if any of you folks with backyard coops would be willing to spare a live chick or two. Thanks.—Randy on Opal St.

NO, I DONT’ THINK ITS’ UNRESONAABLE TO ASK PASSERBYS TO HELP DEFLAY THE COST OF DNA TESTING! ITS’ THIER DANG DNA!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Neighbors, don’t forget that next Wednesday my shop will host a special meeting of the Intra-neighborhood Steering Committee Member Selection Process Steering Committee. If you would like to be considered for the ISCMSPSC. Artisanally steeped organic tea will be served, but I will not—repeat, will not—certify it as hypoallergenic.—Jane, owner of Cozy’s on Third St.

NEVER MIND NEGIBROS! wE foUNd out JimY JUST HAS RINGWORM.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.