2014 Texas Monthly Bum Steers are out and avails!

 

Run, do not walk, to your local newsstand to purchase the Jan 2014 issue of Texas Monthly for the annual Bum Steer Awards.

Run—like David Dewhurst, the Astros and the Texans (but not Ted Cruz; he’s reading)—as if a giant mutant longhorn steer was going to crush the Astrodome on top of you. 

I’m really proud of the work we did this year. If you like teh funny, it are for you! 

The full piece is not online (what, like they want to give it away?), but you can sample it here, and here, and here.

What are you waiting for? Go! Buy!

Pope Francis I in, "No, YOU Can't Go Home Again," a new one-act play


(The curtain rises to reveal an ante-room in the Vatican. Cardinal Jorge BERGOGLIO hurriedly enters stage right and approaches a grand doorway. He’s wiping his hands on his cassock as he encounters Cardinal Josep PSLYISNITZC, also about to enter.)

BERGOGLIO (sotto voce)
Goddamned air dryers…

 PSLYISNITZC
What’s ‘at, Georgie?

 BERGOGLIO
Hey, Joey, what’s up? (Gestures towards door.)
What’s going on in there?

  PSLYISNITZC
You haven’t heard?

  BERGOGLIO
Well, I’m hearing all kinds of noise now.
So I’m asking, what’s going on?

  PSLYISNITZC
White smoke.

  BERGOGLIO 
White smoke? No.

  PSLYISNITZC
Yeah.

(Col. MURSTRICHT, head of the Swiss Guards, enters, unseen by Bergoglio.)

  BERGOGLIO
Who?

  MURSTRICHT
You.

  BERGOGLIO (wheeling to face him)
Who?

  PSLYISNITZC (gleeful)
I’m sayin’, it’s you, baby!

  BERGOGLIO (wheeling back around, panicked)
Me?

  PSLYISNITZC
Yup.

(Bergoglio, pulls out his phone, makes a call on speed dial, checks his watch.)

 BERGOGLIO
Shit, I gotta get to the airport. There’s a red eye
to B.A. 
leaves in 90 minutes.

 MURSTRICHT
Ha! I. Don’t. Think. So.

  BERGOGLIO
But I gotta get home and pack up my shit.
(to phone) Yeah, is this Vatican Travel?

  MURSTRICHT (Gently but assertively taking phone from Bergoglio)
Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, my friend.
We got people that take care of all that shit.

  PSLYISNITZC
Georgie.

  BERGOGLIO (confused)
Wha?

  PSLYISNITZC
Dude, you are home, man.

  BERGOGLIO
But what about Messi?

  MURSTRICHT
What about him? He’s a brilliant football player. 
But you’re now pope!

  PSLYISNITZC
You are, like, the guy.

  BERGOGLIO
Messi, my cat. I gotta get my cat.
And my CDs and shit.

  PSLYISNITZC
Cats? You want cats? There’s a million friggin’
cats out there in St. Peter’s Square, gorging on 
pigeons. Take your pick. This is your place, now.

  MURSTRICHT
Yeah, and after the Sistine Chapel Choir live
from your den, your CDs will sound lame anyway.

 (Bergoglio looks back and forth between the two of them.)

  BERGOGLIO
You fuckers aren’t kidding, are you?

  PSLYISNITZC
No, My Eminence, dude, we are not.

  BERGOGLIO
I really can’t go back and pack up my shit
and get my cat, can I?

  MURSTRICHT (checking his smartphone)
Buenos Aires isn’t scheduled for a papal visit until—
wait, here it is—May 2015. But I think we can scooch
that up a few months, providing the enormous logistical
challenges of moving your papal entourage work out.

 BERGOGLIO (now steamed)
Well, this just blows.

(Pslyisnitzc puts his hand on one of the door handles, Murstricht the other.)

 PSLYISNITZC
You ready?

 BERGOGLIO (mostly to himself)
I had tickets to the opera on Friday night,
I had lunch plans on Saturday…

 MURSTRICHT
After you, Your Eminence?

(Bergoglio pauses for a second, sighs, then nods slightly.)

 BERGOGLIO
Fuck it.

(Pslyisnitzc and Murstricht throw open the doors. A blinding light. The roar of the Cardinals.)

Curtain.

Mutants rising! Save the humanoids! Defender! The first video from ManChildATX!

Here’s my first music video. I hope you enjoy it. I recommend changing the image quality to HD and viewing full screen. Or watch it on YouTube

This song will appear on my next album, My Mouse Finger’s Insured for $10 Million, although I have to say there probably won’t be another electronica style song on the album, so buyer beware. 

If you like the vibe, though, you’ll probably like my first record, Kickass Tunes for Jamming Out. It’s available here for only $5, or on iTunes.

Please share, like, etc. I really appreciate your support.  

2013 Texas Monthly Bum Steers issue available now!

Click pic to read why Lance got the honors this year (not like it wasn’t obvious).

It’s the ALL-SINGINGEST, ALL-DANCINGEST, ALL-PEE-YOUR-PANTSINGEST Texas Monthly Bum Steers ever! 

READ about the man who adopted his girlfriend!

LEARN the wrong way to work on your tan while unicycling!

THRILL to the cruel antics of educators who should not be allowed near children!

LAUGH to keep from crying over the prurient behavior of our law enforcement officers!

CRY when you realize you live in the same state with these nutjobs!

In all seriousness, as a humorist, working on this was more fun than ever this year, and I think the results show in the work. It’s really funny.

Pick it up at your newstand today, or, hey, why not?—SUBSCRIBE

 

Get some Kickass Tunes for Jamming Out FREE

Artwork by Ellen Gibbs, grackle.netMy (digital) album is out! My (digital) album is out! It’s called “Kickass Tunes for Jamming Out,” and you can have it for ZERO MONIES (for a limited time, anyway). Go to the ManChildATX page on bandcamp.com and name your price—even $0.00. Note that if you do opt for free, you will be asked to provide an email address and must validate the address to get the download. But I won’t spam you. 

I’m very proud of how the record came out. Please give it a listen and let me know what you think. 

 

 

Debut track: My Rifle, ManChildATX, feat. WingMan

This is a track from my forthcoming ManChildATX Bandcamp download site. It’s taking me longer than I expected to get that together, so I’m sharing it now via SoundCloud. This song, which was co-written with Brant Bingamon in 2010, recounts the fictional adventures of a young American in Afghanistan, and doesn’t refer to any real persons or events. I’m proud of this work and I hope you give it a listen and enjoy it!

The Perry Funniest Issue of Texas Monthly EVAR

Three things I wanna tell you about the 2011 Bum Steers isssue of Texas Monthly:

1. As editor Jake Silverstein writes, Rick Perry came out of absolutely nowhere to become the Bum Steer of the Year. When work began on the piece in late September, there were no compelling BSOTY candidates. Dude went on some kind of unprecedented Bum Steer rampage. 

2. The Rick Perry Venn Diagram is absolutely brilliant, which, of course, means I had nothing to do with it.

3. Um, the EPA?

But in all seriousness, as a humorist, I’m as proud of this edition of the Bum Steers as any I’ve worked on. Pick that shit up at your newsstand, yo. Or better yet, subscribe

Texas Monthly's Jan. 2011 issue: come for the laffs, stay for the well-reasoned call for a death penalty moratorium

My annual dream assignment, the Texas Monthly Bum Steer Awards, has been loosed upon the world. Me and the crack team at TM (though, to be fair, not all of them are on crack) started work in earnest on this in September, and I think it’s the FUNNIEST. BUM. STEERS. EVAR. The illustrations by Lou Brooks are fantastic, and the brilliant cover is by one of my heroes, Drew Friedman. Absolutely thrilling to be associated with his work. You want. Go buy.

And be sure to read the lead editorial by my friend Mike Hall. He convincingly argues for a halt of Texas’s death penalty until the law can be overhauled to prevent the kinds of miscarriages of justice we’ve seen all too frequently in the Great State (such as the one that drew nationwide attention in this recent TM piece by Pamela Colloff).

Mike has spent a good part of his career calling attention to the plight of wrongly convicted or otherwise railroaded criminal defendants. But he’s no bleeding heart—no one is quicker to call out the true flaws and misdeeds of his subjects. His excellent piece is all the more powerful and persuasive because of it.