Latest rejected letter to the editors of People Magazine

Dear People Editor of People:

I am writing about your issue with “Bil Cobsy: Is He Really a Raper?” on the cover. Bil Cobsy was a famous entertaner with a big TV show. Now he stands accursed of drugging and raping women over periods of time.

I have give it a lot of thought about the question “Bil Cobsy: Is He Really a Raper?” Can not we give him the buffet of the doubt? Can not we say, “OK, yeah, maybe he raped those women, but he didn’t mean to drug them?” Or, “OK, yeah, maybe he druggded those women, but he didn’t mean to rape them. He fell.”

Let’s be fair. Here.

Sincerely and for fairness,
Viddra Chirm Yedalla

 

Rejected letter to the editors of People Magazine: Brangelina's wedding

Dear to the editors of People Magazine:

I was most thrilled and surprised to receive yours of September 15 (how do you do that?) featuring Brangelina’s wedding on the cover.

I guess my invitation must’ve gotten lost in the mail, for I was unaware said nups had occurred. But I was very disappointed that your photo ablum did not mention WHO Brangelina was marrying! I can only hope it is that actor with whom she shares all those rainbow babies. 

I had to chuckle at the part about how Brangelina’s dress was covered with her babies’ drawings. I can just imagine how my own late mother would have reacted to finding that we, her beloved children, had drawn on her wedding dress. After recovering from the shock of learning that her children were all born before she was married, she would have beaten us all down one side and up the other! 

Kudos to your photographer. I see no visible marks or bruises on Brangelina’s brood. 

I wish Brangelina and whomsoever she has married great happiness. 

Yours of September 5,

R. Ddiva Lalmye

Latest rejected letter to People Magazine

My Dear People Gentlemen!

I get why Little Prince Georgieboy’s first steps are exciting! Who wouldn’t?! I definitely want to be kept up in the loop for all past and future playdates! Bath-time tantrums?! Check! And plans for a ROYAL SIBLING?! Are you kidding?! OMG! 

What I don’t get is why we are shouting about RAISING A LITTLE PRINCE!

I’m afraid we’ll wake the poor little regal darling from his nap! So, SHHHHHHHH!

I mean, shhhhhh.

Yrs vry sincrly & long live the Queen, etc., etc.,

R. Ichard D. Yllema

PS: Stiff upper lip and all that, what, what.

Latest unpublished letter to the editors of People Magazine

Dear People (the magazine, not the species):

I’m sorry, but can you please send over here someone to scrape me off the floor? I mean, if you are going to drop bombshells on me like the news of Antorio Bandana and Menalie Griffin’s impending S-P-L-I-T on me, you can’t just expect me to go on with my daily life without some kind of extra support. Like maybe a shot of adrenaline to the heart.

Because, you see, I was one of those who believed that what Antorio and Menalie had was real. I mean, you can just look at Melarie and see she is all about the real, yo. Sister don’t play, am I right?

I will be so disappointed if I find out that Antolio has left her for a younger woman, or for one whose scars don’t show quite as much. Say it ain’t so, Antsy!

So, yeah, until you guys see fit to send someone over to help me recover from the shock, I’ll be lying on the floor in a helpless pile of sadness goo.

Nice pics of Bey’s new look, BTW.

Yrs vry trly, etc., etc.,

Hardric Lamley

 

Rejected letters to People Magazine, princess dandling edition

Dear people who knead People (Magazine):

Please bear with me. It’s been awhile since I’ve written and I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings. Also, in kind of a new thing for me, this letter will cover two topics, so you may want to break it up and run it as two separate letters. You can use a fake name on one or both of them, so it doesn’t look like I am the only one writing to you, even if that may be true. 

OK, topico numero uno: You’ve got Princess Kate DANDLING on the cover. Question: When is it appropriate to show a princess dandling? Answer: Never! I don’t want to see a princess dandling, and I’m pretty sure the rest of America doesn’t want to see it either. It’s disgusting! Ix-nay on the incess-pray andling-day!

I am pleased that Kate has a new nanny though. Thank God!

Topico numero two-o: Yes, we know Mickey Rooney was a horndog! His “many legendary loves?!” Who are you kidding? We know what you are getting at here with your sneaky coded language. You’re implying that just because Mickey was shortish and banged a lot of broads, that makes him a wee oversexed freak. So I suppose William Powell was just fulfilling his height-determined erotic destiny by plowing the fertile fields of Hollywood’s starlet farms? Listen, I have it on good authority that Mickey Rooney was a gentleman, not some love-’em-and-leave-’em roué. He made sure his ladies were satisfied—all the way satisified, if you know what I’m saying—which is more than you can say for Glenn Ford!  

Sincerely,

M. Ravid Lichlard

PS. If you think my nanny comment warrants it, you can break this into three letters instead of just two.

 

Another rejected letter to the editors of People Magazine

NOT the latest issue of People Magazine

Dear People of People (Magazine):

“Infesta and Johnny, 10 Years After the Bachelorette: How Does Their Love Survive?” So screams the cover of your latest issue.

Based on my own personal experience, if I had to guess how their love survives, I’d say it survives on three things:
1. Cheap box wine

2. Highly effective contraception

3. Talk therapy

But, hey, that’s just me. I admit it: 10 years ago I was one of the people who said Infesta wasn’t worthy of Johnny’s love. When she threw cold oatmeal in his face during the all-important “final attrition” episode, I thought it was lowdown and mean. Ooh, Infesta, I said to myself, you are a belly-crawling snake of a woman!

Well, it just shows to go you! Here it is 10 years later and Infesta and Johnny are keeping their love alive! Their inspiring story serves to prove that no matter how venal, stupid and sociopathic someone is, there is a reality television program to help him or her find a suitable mate.

There are so many Infestas and Johnnys out there. I can’t wait until their offspring start breeding!

Keep up the great work, you’re fabulous!

M. Ravid Ladley

My latest letter to the editors of People Magazine

Dear Peoples of People:

I can’t believe it, but you did it again! You looked at everything that was going on in the world today—EVERYTHING!—and you zeroed in on the one thing that means everything to me.

Miss Micha Barton. Sorry, I mean Mischa.

Has a talent ever burned so bright? I mean, her work on… that television program that she was on—WOW!

And then, to live through the “Hollywood nightmare” she did, where it’s nothing but the best drugs and the most sex all the time—who would want that? For very long, I mean.

People Magazine and Micha—sorry, Mischa—Barton, you are the perfect marriage of excellenceness, and I am the best man!


Stay relevant,


R. Ichley Ardmal

 

Latest unprinted letter to People Magazine

 

Dear people at People:

What’s that stirring? Do you feel it? Do you feel a fresh wind sweeping down over the land, blowing away all of the tawdry movie star scandals, the celebrity O.D. stories and the first-person weight loss triumphs? I do. I feel it. And it smells like very high quality, compounded-to-order-by-the-royal-pharmacist baby powder!

So what’s the new name going to be? Oh, come on. You’re going to need a new name. You know it. I know it. We all know it. People Magazine is simply going to be too broad for you from now on. But I have some suggestions: 

Select Royal People and Their Adorable New Baby Person Magazine

Little Prince Magazine

Regal Magazine (almost rhymes!)

Baby Prince Magazine

Adorable Royal Cuteness Magazine

Mostly About the Royal Baby but Some Stuff About Random Celebrities Magazine 

If you pick one of my names, all I would ask for is a lifetime subscription, so I would never miss a single word you write about the new precious bundle of royal joy. And if none of these names grab you, I’d be happy to come in and spitball some other options with you.

No need to thank me. Yet.

In devoted service to His Tiny Majesty,

R. D. Malley
Semi-professional royal baby lover 

Latest ignored letter to People Magazine

Nobody does it better than Miss Cary Underwoods, I don’t care what “it” is.

Dear mailroom intern at People Magazine:

I am writing to express my extreme pleasure and satisfaction with yours of 4/15/13, that being the issue with Miss Cary Underwoods on the cover.

WHERE HAS MISS CARY UNDERWOODS BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!

With impeccable teeth and eyelashes like that, this classy lassy is obviously super-super-super-talented, and, no, three “supers” is not a typo!

By the way I noticed that your story on Miss Cary Underwoods is an “EXCLUSIVE.” When you underline it that way, it makes it all the more fun and special for “People people” like yours truly.

Thank you for just this one time giving us a cover story about a sexy, talented lady instead of one about a horrible mass shooting. I mean, I know you can’t help it sometimes, but it does get a little old. Just sayin’.

But one thing that doesn’t get old? Classy dames like Miss Cary Underwoods, as quoted on your cover saying, “I want to be a hot wife.” Whoa, did someone turn up the heat in here?!

Keep it up, People! You’re all right by me!

Yours, etc., etc.,

R. M. Daelly

 

Latest sure-to-be-rejected letter to People Magazine

Dear People Magazine people:

THANK YOU SO MUCH for putting the formerly fat-faced Paula Deen and her jackal-like sons on the cover of your latest issue! 

In today’s world, we are bombarded with so much hate and negativity. Sometimes that makes me lose sight of the things that are truly worth being hateful and negative about. 

Your cover photo of the Deen harridan and her simpering toady brood brought that all home for me. 

I feel that now I can go forward, secure in the knowledge that I’ll never forget how much I hate this base and despicable woman. 

I know that sometimes on those nights you can’t sleep, you must law awake questioning your very existence and think, “Why am I wasting my life helping to put out this stupid, worthless magazine?”

The next time that happens, just remember, you’re helping a guy in Austin, TX remember which hate to hold onto. 

All my best, yo, 

R. D. Malley

Rejected Letters to People Magazine, Emergency Edition

To the supervisor of the people at People Magazine:

With all due respect, you need to get your people on a tighter leash and your People back to the high standards best exemplified by the profile you did (that one time) on those grossly obese people who lost enough weight to be considered just plain vanilla obese.

I am, of course, writing about the cover story “Deep Inside Kathy’s Dark Nightmare” (Sep. 23).

HER nightmare? What about MY nightmare? First Prince Harold’s casino cavorting and now Princess Kathy’s ta-ta tanning. For the love of God, when it comes to your covers, you must stop putting on heirs who toss their togs.

Look, back in my day, royals never disrobed FOR ANY REASON. And we liked it that way. I don’t hesitate to say we were ALL BETTER OFF.

In that more genteel time, whipping off the Windsor wovens was Just. Not. Done. Or talked about, or even contemplated. And with good reason. I mean, Princess Margaret? Hello?! One shudders to even think.

That nowadays the young royals are flaunting the loins of the lineage is utterly revolting to me, and if, as I suspect, a significant number of your subscribers are as sensitive as I am, there will be more revolting to come. Continue running stories that are royally risqué and even 75% off the newsstand price won’t be enough to keep us in the page fold.

When it comes to the empire’s epidermis, ignorance is not just bliss: it’s downright necessary for sanity’s survival. At your office hot tub parties, clothing may be optional. But here where I live, royal bods are too much to bare.

Not kidding,

D. M. Larely 

Latest ignored letter to People Magazine

This is not the issue. But this looks good, too.Dear People People:

Look, People, if Prince Henry (August 27) wants to crush his wild oats, I say let him. The poor dear is one parent away from orphanhood. And thanks to big brother Willard, he is the boy who shan’t not be King. So why can’t he have some fun and let his pants down? I feel we are too hard on our youths already, which may be why they all still live at home and/or castle. But why should we judge Prince Henry more harshly just because he was born with a silver fork in his tongue?

Royally miffed, I remain,

R. D. Elmayl

Another letter People Magazine will never print

Dear Messers Editor and Sub-Editor:

In reference to yours of August 18 (“OMG! OMG! OMG! Jen Says, ‘Yes!’”), the way I figure it, you gentlemen owe me a new pair of trousers and a fresh change of underpants.

If, in the future, you plan to herald such stunningly, magnificently, miraculously exciting news on your cover, I suggest you mail issues of your magazine in a plain brown wrapper with a warning printed outside: “Caution: delightful contents may induce pants-wetting!”

You shall be hearing from my attorneys regarding details of the recompense.

That is all.

R. D. Ellmay

PS: Trousers, 44-inch waist, 28-inch inseam; brief-style underpants, XXL. 

The latest rejected letter to the editors of People

Dearest sirs, madams, etc.:

Who will speak for Suri? When will Suri have her own cover story? You’ve printed Katie’s side; you’ve printed Tom’s side. Discerning People readers such as myself want to know what is going on in the mind of this most precious of all four-year-olds.

Is she glad Daddy no longer brings his odd friends around for “naked praying?”

Is she sad Daddy isn’t available to play find the banana with her every afternoon anymore?

Does she enjoy the company of her many new “uncles?”

Is she excited about the proposal I sent to her for the new reality show, “Suri’s World?”

WE SIMPLY DON’T KNOW.

WE ARE IN THE DARK.

Get on it.

Yours sincerely,

R. D. Allmey

PS: Absent a full cover story, I’d be satisfied with a personal note from your correspondent just letting me know where she stands on the show proposal. 

My rejected letter to the editors of People Magazine

Sirs:

In re: your thoughtful piece on the dissolution of Ms. Kardashian’s marriage, (Nov. 11, “Kim: Savagely Stupid or Coldly Cynical?”), what a shame that Ms. Kardashian and Mr. Humphries, her estranged husband, couldn’t sustain their union long enough to recognize this truism from Rilke:
“A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude. Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky.”

I posit that had they summoned the intestinal fortitude to stay the course and learned to love “the distance between them,” our society would be one enduring sanctified union to the better.

Yours most sincerely,

RM
Austin, TX

PS: We heartily look forward to the next installment in your pictorial series on the plastic surgery mishaps that have befallen some of the best known players in our popular entertainments.