Dear people of People (Magazine):
Lookit, even with my annual prescription, your magazine is not exactly cheap. Like, I suspect, many of your readers, I am on a fixed income and have to make choices: high quality oatmeal or senior vitamins? Movie tickets or denture adhesive? The list goes on and on. I don't need to spell it out for you, do I? I am a person who needs his money's worth. And I'll be goddamned if I am one scintilla closer to understanding why Ben&Jen split. I have no clue why they no longer remain surgically attached at the head, as depicted on your cover. So, I ask you, what kind of value are you providing to a senior on a fixed income who is forced to make choices? Choices like brand name creamed corn or an annual perscription to People Frikkin' Magazine.
Also, I am sure Ben does not appreciate your retouching artist drawing a beard on him. Even I can tell it's fake, and I wasn't wearing my readers.
Get your act together, pronto.