Comes now HEB Cookie Butter.* I’m afraid to tell you that, just as it says on the label, it’s a spreadable slurry of “speculoos” spice cookies. It was a checkout line display item, and it featured only that weird flavor. But how could there not be other kinds? I mean, this specifies “creamy.” Could there be a—shudder—chunky version?
It is not gluten free.
It is not paleo.
Why in God’s name…?
Wait a minute. My diligent internets research—something most people would do before they start writing their blog post—reveals that this speculoos cookie butter is no HEB original.
One image search briefly led me to guess that it originated in Canada, which would’ve explained everything. But Trader Joe’s seems to be the 900 lb. gorilla of cookie butter—and they have three varieties—so maybe I can just blame them.**
Remember, cookie butter is spreadable, so you can slather it directly on your pancreas, where it goes to work instantly.
I wonder if the name “Diabetes in a Jar” was ever considered.
*Non-Texans: HEB is a ginormous, dominant grocery chain here. Oy, the stories I could tell you about shopping at HEB. Another time, maybe. While you’re here, we know you’re curious, but, no, we haven’t been invaded yet.
**Did you think HEB wouldn’t respond to Trader Joe’s entry to the Austin market? Shopper, please.