HALLOOO, NEGBORS! WE NED VOLLANTEERS!?! ChIPPY’s SCHOL IS HaviG a PAINT BALOON WAR AN wE NEed RESPONABLE ADULTS TO BE PROCTATES. ITS 3pM THIS TURDSAY AT tHe SCHOL!!! PLEASE RPVS, ORE JUST SHWO UP!! THaNkS!!!!!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
Hi, we’re new to the neighborhood, and pardon me if I’m being a little forward, but I would like to know if anyone in the neighborhood could loan us a “kloo.” I’m not entirely sure what it is, but I think it is some kind of Scandanavian tool used to measure how high water can go in a specific area. We were explaining to the elderly couple we just moved in next door to about our plans to build a formal grand aerial swimming pool. They largely had nothing to say about it. The gentleman retreated into his house shaking his head (perhaps clearing a hearing aid malfunction?), while the woman just looked at us and said, “You need to get a kloo,” before quietly closing the door. At any rate, we’d be very careful with your kloo if you might be so kind as to loan us one. Thanks much.—James family on Richmond Hts.
NEGORBS! ONE THING OF CATION!!!! DON’T WEAR YOR NICE CLOTHS TO PAINT BALON WAR!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
Dear ‘Hood Folks: I know many of you have been shocked by the recent property tax notices and plan to file protests. I work at the county appraisal agency and thought I’d offer some tips to make the process more entertaining for us:
*Wear a red clown nose. You’d be surprised how much funnier it makes even the most boring protest hearing.
*Don’t cry when we deny your claim. Due to a budget decision, the county no longer supplies tissues to citizens. We employees still need ‘em though, because some of these protest hearings make us laugh so hard that we cry. But don’t you cry. Because no tissue for you.
*If you want to save time, you can skip the protest hearing entirely and just go pound sand up your ass. You’re likely to receive better results anyway.
Hope this helps!—Janet on Sprigmore Ln.
NEGROBS! DoES ENNY1 HAVE NON-lATEX EXTRIOR OR INTRIOR PANT THEY COLD DONAeT TO THE SCHOL FOR THE BALLON WAR? OnE OF THE FILTH GRADRS IS ALEGRIC TO LaTEX???!!!! THX!!!!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
Hey! I’m looking for the owner of a small black and white dog that is running up and down through traffic on Culmer Parkway on the edge of the neighborhood. I’d hope the owner would hurry to retrieve it, because the poor thing looks scared half to death. Thanks.—Matt on Grovesnor St.
NESBORGS! I FELL RESPONSABLE fOR SUSPYLING AQUADATE NOMbERS OF VOLLANTEERS! FOR THE PANT BALLON WAR!!! AS IT WAS MY!!!! IDEA!!!!!!! I SAID ID BRING FiVE VOLLANTERS! COME oN!!!!@!~ I OLYN NED FOR MORE!!! IT’ WILL BE FUN!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE
Sorry, I tried to delete my previous post but was unable to. Never mind about finding the owner of the small black and white dog. They’ll find out soon enough.—Matt on Grovesnor St.
NEGORSB! NUTS! PANT BALLON WAR PISTPOnED!! SCHOL DISTRIC LAWYER GAVE ME SUM KINDA LEGAL JUMBO-JUMBO WHY WE COULNT” DO IT tHIS YEAR!!!!!! BUT ChIPPY iS GRADATING TO MUDDLE SCHOL, SO I WONT BE RUNING IT!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE