NFL Announces Cap-and-Trade Policy for Domestic Abuse Offenses

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the league would further modify its ever-evolving domestic abuse policy by allowing players on a team to offset a teammate’s league imposed penalty for domestic abuse by “trading” credits they will now receive for each season they complete without incurring a wife beating incident.

“I got it wrong again,” Goodell admitted at a hastily called news conference this morning. “When I suspended Ray Rice indefinitely yesterday after video surfaced of him punching his wife unconscious in an Atlantic City elevator, I inadvertently punished our fans, and, most importantly, I inadvertently punished our owners who have so much precious money invested in these athletes.”

After reiterating his stance that the league had “zero tolerance” for domestic abuse, Goodell turned the program over to league spokesperson Bobby Danabout, who gave reporters the broad outlines of the spousal abuse cap-and-trade-scheme.

“This is a reality-based plan that acknowledges that our sport has both inculcated an uncontrolled capacity for violence in certain players on the one hand, and recruited other players expressly because they already had an innate capacity for antisocial violence on the other hand,” Danabout said. “What this policy will do is enable the players who have successfully avoided spousal abuse for an entire season—or have at least avoided getting caught for it—to help their fellow players stay on the field following a wife- or girlfriend-battering incident.”

While Danabout said details were still being ironed out, he asserted that the policy was strict enough to protect the league’s reputation, if not the wives and girlfriends of its players.

“This will not be a free pass by any means,” Danabout continued. “Players can only trade spousal abuse credits like-for-like. So, for instance, if a player knocks his wife’s teeth out, he’ll need to find a teammate with a “wife’s teeth knocked out” credit willing to trade them to him. It can’t be a ‘girlfriend’s teeth knocked out’ credit, or a ‘gave wife a black eye’ credit. Absent the availability of a matching spousal abuse credit, the full force and severity of the league’s penalties—whatever they may be at that moment—will come down on that player.”

Danabout said the changes would go into effect immediately and would be permanent until the next uncomfortable public revelation forced a hasty revision.