Recent highlights from my neighborhood listserv

GOd morinG NEIBORGS! I just want to lett you’ll KNOW THAT I HAVE MUFFINS. For sale. Comme AND GIT ER!!!—Bertha on Holmes Ave.

Hi, does anyone have some kale fermenter I can borrow? My four-year-old was playing with our microbes and killed them. I can’t bear the thought of paying retail prices for our schlembacha, plus there’s a certain je ne c’est quois and piquancy to the self-fermented kind. Anyone?—Mary on Monroe
P.S. Yes, I did use this as a teachable moment to educate my son about the sanctity of all life, and most especially microbial life.

Ha! HA! VARY FUNNY!!!!! Some one EMAiLeD me private and ASKED IF my MUFFINS WAS FRAISH!! Thats’ dis gUstinge!—Bertha on Holmes Ave.

To the neighbor who wanted kale fermenter (more properly known as volmet, by the way), I have some extra upchukka (i.e., beet fermenter) that you can have. Not sure if it’s a good volmet replacement, but you can try it. I’ll leave it in a jar on the front porch, and I’ll make sure it’s exposed to the air and in direct sunlight. We like the fuzzy stuff that grows on top, but you can scrape it off if it’s not to your taste. Good luck!—Sativa on Lemonade Ln.

Hi, neighbors. I cleaned out my inbox, and so I lost a lot of phone numbers to businesses and services that people on this listserv have recommended over the years. Right now I’m looking for the number of who to call about two groups of young men who are engaged in a running gun battle in the alley behind me. It’s not that it’s bothering me in my house, but I am working the late shift this week, and the fusillade is a little too vigorous for me to risk a dash to the carport. Would anyone have that number handy? Thanks.—Mr. L on Tremaine Ct.

NIEHBSOR!!! You’ll KNOW THAT MUFFINS IS ARE KITTEN WRITE????!!!!!!! Whan HE ASked me if MUFFINS WAS FRAISH I got the wrong WRONG idae!! HA!!!!!!! HA!!!!!!!!!!!! HA!!!!!—Bertha on Holmes Ave.

To the lady who was looking for volmet or upchukka (can’t remember which it was), if it hasn’t been too long since you last fed him schlembacha, you might try culturing some from your little one’s stool. Worked for us! Hope this helps.—Josh on Mulberry Rd.