Yesterday I thought my cyst had stopped throbbing for a while, but it was just that a train was going by, so I didn’t notice it so much. But it’s definitely throbbing now.
My mom used to make me help her take care of my little sister and I resented it, so when I had to serve my little sister a snack, I coughed on her cookies.
Sometimes I when it seems like I’m deep in thought I’m really just stifling a vomit.
To save money, a lot of times I just wave the deodorant near my underarms but don’t actually apply it.
I thought Eleanor Rigby was a comedy song about a party girl who caught the clap from her priest.
I knew my uncle was a Nazi war criminal, but I never said anything because he always sent me $50 for my birthday and Christmas.
I haven’t cleaned my bathtub since Obama has been president.
I’m not entirely sure who my second child’s father is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not my husband, although it may be one of his brothers.
I flout recycling guidelines.
READER UPDATES FROM THE SOCIAL GRAPH:
#OST I once paid a roadie $75 to sniff a discarded shoe during a Bette Midler in Vegas concert.
I like to smell my dog’s feet.
I stole some of my hair extentions from a corpse.
Dog’s feet smell like Fritos.
While in high school, selling cokes at a UT stadium game, I once got paid to let a guy smell my tennis shoe.