Other Affluenza-style Modern Afflictions

Evidence of microscopic douchebug infestation

You remember Affluenza right? It was the diagnosis that helped a Dallas-area teen get off easy after causing a fatal drunk driving accident.

Now this week we learned that paralympian/murderer Oscar Pistorius may get a similar break: the judge in his case ordered that his trial be halted so that Pistorius could get a psychiatric evaluation for “general anxiety disorder.” And I thought, well, gee, that’s a pretty lame name. Why not call it what it really is: Oh, Shit—I’m Going to Prison Disease?

But it made me realize that all of us regularly come into contact with people afflicted with all sorts of modern ills for which no good names exist. Until now.

Temporary Inane-ity—”Yes, OK, my clients did coat those campus wheelchair ramps with silicone lubricant, leading to the plaintiffs’ grievous injuries. But is it not plain to everyone that towards the end of the semester my clients were overcome by Temporary Inane-ity?”

Douchebugs—”Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please do not look at my client as someone who forced an ambulance off the road so that he wouldn’t miss out on a $2 Jaegermeister happy hour. No, please look at my client for what he is: a victim of an insidious Douchebug infestation.”

Nice Blindness—”Objection! Not to minimize the victim’s beating injuries, but I refuse to hear my client referred to as a bully and a thug when right here in this courtroom we have heard an expert witness attesting to the fact that he suffers from Nice Blindness.”

Involuntarily Situational Morality—”Ladies and gentlemen, all you have to do is look at my client and see that Involuntary Situational Morality is real. Does this look like a man who would date rape? No! But once the victim passed out, what could he do? My client was helpless. His ISM took over.”

Fail-to-Give-a-Shit-itis—”Your honor, you heard our medical expert. It’s not that my client didn’t want to stop the criminal conduct of his associates. It’s just that he has chronic Fail-to-Give-a-Shit-itis.”