This Week in Chutzpah: The News Quiz

Which entity just announced that it discovered an accounting error that meant it had $4 billion less than it originally reported?
A) Vladimir Putin’s interior decorator
B) Bank of America
C) My lying cousin Stevie
D) Pfizer Pharmaceuticals
Answer: B

What is the approximate ratio of the penalty Bank of America will likely pay for their error to the penalty they would charge you if you overdrew your checking account by $7?
A) 1,000:1
B) I hate math
C) Will this be on the test?
D) Incalculably large
Answer: D

Where are the masked, highly-trained, Russian-speaking pro-Russian paramilitaries in eastern Ukraine most definitely NOT from?
A) Russia
B) Russia
C) Russia
D) Russia
Answer: A, B, C or D

When Vladimir Putin asserts that Russia has absolutely no designs on eastern Ukraine he means what?
A) Russia has designs on eastern Ukraine
B) Who wouldn’t want eastern Ukraine?
C) With those beautiful eastern Ukrainian women, come on?!
D) All of the above

Which news organization gave the most favorable coverage to racist/rancher/protest leader Cliven Bundy, whose main argument is that he should get to mooch off the federal government for free?
A) The Nation
B) Liberal Freeloaders Weekly
C) Government Teat Suckers Gazette
D) Fox News
Answer: D

The virtual silence from Fox News in reaction to rancher Bundy’s virulently racist remarks that African-Americans might be better off as cotton-picking slaves could best be compared to what?
A) A turd falling in a snow drift
B) A duck farting the Star Spangled Banner in a soundproof booth
C) Sean Hannity blowing smoke up his own ass
D) Any of the above
Answer: D

Speaking of racism, the most shocking thing about the tape secretly recorded by NBA owner Donald Sterling’s ex-girlfriend in which he revealed his racist attitudes was what?
A) His racist attitudes
B) His magnanimity at suggesting that the woman he was cheating on his wife with could have sex with Magic Johnson if she wanted to, so long as she didn’t post pictures of it on Instagram
C) The fact that Donald Sterling did not use the word “shvartza” one single time
D) Any of the above
Answer: D