What I said, and what I wish I'd said

 

What I said

…and what I wish I’d said

“Uhn! No fair!”

“What you posit smacks of inequity, you disingenuous churl.”

“Oh, yeah?! Well, but what about, um… ah… you know, that… that one time?”

“You act as if your position has always been consistent. In point of fact, it has not been, which I will illustrate now by recounting in detail an incident from our common experience. (Detailed narrative of incident goes here.)”

“Oh, you… you… big… poopy-head!”

“I find your manner, behavior, language and very being comparable to an excrescence of night soil from the sick ward.”

“That’s not what I meant! What I meant was… not that!”

“Sir, I know very well my meaning on that occasion. And you know very well my meaning on that occasion. And, at present, one of us is misrepresenting what my meaning was, and I aver that it is not me who is so doing.”

“OK. I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

“Had I my wits about me, my rhetoric would render me victorious in our verbal set-to, leaving you as helpless as a filet of poached salmon at a ladies tea. But as I’ve let my emotions get the better of me, leaving my powers of argument temporarily compromised, I’ve decided to declare victory while ceding the field.”

“I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“Asshole.”