The Latest from My Neighborhood Listserv

HI THARe NIEGHGBORS! I’M AM SELING MY EGGS11!!111!!!!! MANY OF WICH ARE FRETILE!!! COME BY!! AND GET YOU!!! SOME!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hi, we’re new to the neighborhood. We live over by “the old abandoned railroad tracks,” as our real estate agent called them. We’re just curious, about eight times a day there’s a really loud rumbling noise and a very loud horn honking and it seems to be coming from the direction of “those old abandoned railroad tracks,” as our real estate agent called them. Any idea what’s causing it? Our real estate agent says he doesn’t know what it is.
Candy and Mark on Railyard Ln

I just want to let it be known that I will beat the living shit out of anyone who comes near or even so much as looks at my azaleas this spring. I don’t do all that hard work just so my wacko neighbors can ruin them. Or look at them.
You have been warned.
Gary on Ridgely St.
PS: Yes, my dog bites.

CHICKEN’S’ EGG’S, NIEGHBGHBORS!! SOME OF YOU!1! GOT CONFUSED!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hey, y’all. We just wanted to let everyone know that we’re going to have a big blowout of a party tonight. So if we don’t answer the door at 3am, don’t worry, we’re OK. It’s just that we won’t be able to hear your knocking because the DJ we hired is blasting the tunes too loud. Just didn’t want anyone to be unduly concerned for our well being.
Lisa on Cravat St.

ALTHO I MIGT HAV E SOME OFF THE OTHER KIND!! IFF YOU NEED M!!! IM’ DONE WITH MY AVIARIES!! HA! HA!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Hey, does anyone know who owns the little house with the stained glass windows and the tall pointy roof feature? I’ve been by during weekdays and no one ever seems to be home, although they always seem to have a lot of company visiting on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings. At any rate, my development partner and I are interested in buying that property. We have a client who would very much like to tear down that quaint old structure so that he can cover the entire lot—up to the legal limit, of course—with an enormous monolithic steel box of a home that he plans to use once or twice a year on his visits to town. It’s actually a good deal for the neighborhood, because most of the time the house will just sit empty and looming. So any leads on tracking down that homeowner would be appreciated.
Marlon on Alder Cir.

NEEIBGHBORS, HOW DID I KNOW SOME PEPLE WOOD BE OFF ENDED!!?? BECUAUSE THEY ARR TYRING TO HAVEA BABY!!?? AND CANT’!!!??? I DIDNT’ KNOW!! THAT! THERE JUTS EGSS!!!!!
BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE