10 Lifehacks You Need to Adopt Right Now or You're a Dumbass

When it’s time for a new tube of toothpaste, open the tube and empty it into a pile on the side of the sink (or, for the fastidious, into a clean cereal bowl). Then, when you need toothpaste, just dip into the pile. Saves scads of time squeezin’.

Children are a drain on productivity. Don’t have them, or leave them with relatives.

Simplify your email: divide all messages into two categories, essential and hyper-essential. Transfer messages into one category or the other, then look at neither.

Skip time-consuming showers. Instead, slather your body in hand sanitizer and allow to evaporate dry. As an added bonus, you’ll never launder another towel again.

Schedule all meetings to end before they begin. At the end of the year, you’ll have an extra month to play around with.

Take your house off the grid and put your dog on a magneto-equipped treadmill.

Pray via text message.

Switch to a 100% locavore diet. (Personally, the only exception I make to this rule is when locavores are out of season.)

Confine all weeping to the last Saturday of the month.

Note: Readers may feel free to submit these tips to Lifehacker or similar sites and claim all the credit and glory for themselves.