Halloween posts from my neighborhood listserv

HEELo nAYBOSR! DOES ANyONE HAVE A BLACK cAT BILLY CAN BORRO FOR HOWWOLEEN? HE WILL RETORN IT IN GoD CONDITION OR GET RID OF IT FOR YOU. YOUR CHOICE LEt ME KOW!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Fellow Ashtown Heights residents: Not trying to be alarmist, but just a reminder that every year thousands and thousands of children die right here in our neighborhood from gluten-laced Halloween candy. As an alternative, consider bringing your kids to the Fall Earth Spirits party at the Ashtown Heights Preschool Child Potential Center on Ashtown Way, where we will be handing out natural organic treats, such as red apple slices. Oh, and also, green apple slices. Yours in shielding children from real world experiences.—Ms. Srisatva, Preschool Director.

OK, NAYBORSS! I GIT IT! BILLY WILL RETURN thE BLaCK CAT WITHER YO WAnT IT BAC OR NO. i BET MOST OF YOU HATER S DoNT’ EVEN HAVE A BLACK CAT SO WHAT DO yOU CARE NOSEY PARKERs!!!!!!?????—BERtHA ON HOLMES AVE

This is my annual reminder to neighborhood parents that just because tomorrow night all of my exterior lights will be off, my house will be utterly devoid of any exterior holiday-themed decorations, my shades drawn and my house completely dark inside except for the glow of my TV DOES NOT mean I am running a Halloween “spook house.” And not to reopen old wounds, so to speak, but I’d remind everyone that I won a full acquittal in 1999, and was allowed to keep the shotgun. Fair warning.—Otto on Bark St.

Hi, everyone. Skip surprised me with front row tickets to Foo Fighters tomorrow, and he’s arranged a full-blown night on the town with a limo, dinner at La Tony’s before and a VIP table at Baccarat later. Any parents of youngsters out there mind taking Sasha and Julius trick-or-treating, and maybe keeping an eye on them until, oh, I don’t know, 1am or so? I’d gladly pay you. I’ve accumulated a ton of gift cards to the kind of chain restaurants that I’d never be caught dead in. Lemme know.—Janice on Moore La.

PS. It’d be great if you had a couple of extra little costumes.

NEvER MIND, NAYBORS. My HUbSAND SAYS HE’LL JUST TRAP A STRAY AND DIE IT BLACK.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE