Happy New Year from my neighborhood listserv

HOWDY NeGBOARS!! ANND HAPY NEw YEAR!!!!!! I JUSAT WANTEDED EVERBOD TO KNOW THAT PHILIPS’ OTHER BALL DROPPED!!! HAL… HALLLEJUL… HALJLELU… PRAISE THE LORDD!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Dear Neighbors: Can anyone recommend a good Russian tutor for Savannah, our three-year-old? She’s already whipped through the Rosetta Stone Russian for Toddlers series, and we don’t want her to get behind in her second language acquisition before she starts Ms. Milliford’s Pre-Private School Academy next year. Please send all recommendations and referrals through Cassie Smith, Savannah’s academic nanny. Thank you.—Mark and Rhiannon on Sable Ct.

OK, NEHGBROS! HA HA HA VErY FUNY! OR SIC! IS MOR LIKE IT! I ASTUMED EVERBOD KNOW THAT PHILIP GOT TWO TEHTERBALLS CAUT IN THE TREES. AND THAT ONE ALREAY CAME DOWN!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Neighbors: Cecile, our beloved chicken is missing. Fence or no fence, she is part of the family, and we can’t imagine that she would just wander off. The children are totally bereft, not to mention that we haven’t had an omelet for several days. If anyone sees her, could you please suggest to her that she might be better off returning to our yard where she is fed organic scratch and where she is free to be the chicken she chooses to be, in a judgment-free, loving environment? Thank you!—Karen and Steven on Muncie St.

Loose Dog Alert: Hi, neighbors. A chocolate lab and a chow mix, both covered in viscera, feathers and blood, are roaming the north side of the neighborhood near Muncie St. City animal control has been called.—Ben on Durwood La.

BACAUS TO MAK JOKeS ABOUT MY BOYS’ BALL DROPPINGS ISNT” FUNY! HE IS ONLY 9TEEN!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE

Neighbors, a question: Our Spanish isn’t so hot, but Marta, our live-in housekeeper, is apparently trying to communicate with us (through gestures and crying) that she is owed an actual monetary wage beyond room and board. Also, she continues to act as if she is free to come and go as she pleases, though so far she hasn’t gotten farther than the front walk before we retrieve her. Are there any fluent Spanish speakers in the ‘hood who can please explain to her that she isn’t going anywhere, at least not until she has worked off the amount we paid Arturo, the broker who sold her to us? Arturo assured us she understood the terms of the deal. We want to be mostly fair, so we’d appreciate the help. If you want to give it a try, we’ve found the best way to communicate with her is to just yell through the food slot in the garage door. Thanks in advance, and “feliz ano nuevo.”—Bill and Sandy on Purell Cir.

AND ALSO, NAGbORES, I THUT I ALREDY MENGINED THAT PHILLLIPS’ TEnHTHERBALLS GOT STUK! HOW AM I SUPOPSED TO REMemMBER EVERTY THING!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE