Very, very obscure iOS7 tips, tricks and features

The new iOS7 home screen

After playing with iOS7 for a couple of days, I’ve found a few hidden gems buried in the code. Some of these are practical, some just for fun, and some are just, well, FLORM!

Bitch Mode (Siri-equipped models only)
To access Bitch Mode, tap twice anywhere on your home screen and yell “bitch!” The Siri interface will appear, with Siri inquiring, “What would you like to bitch about today?” Then just unload! Everything that’s pissing you off, just get it out. Scream it, shout it, whisper it, even rasp it in your bitched-out-until-you-can’t-take-it-anymore voice. No matter how petty, unjustified or mean-spirited your bitching is, Siri, in high resolution virtual empathy, will respond, “I know, right?”
Oblogatory rating: Essential

Spleen Grab
Admittedly, this is one of those “gee whiz” features with very little practical use and it is included mostly just to make Android users jealous—and to temporarily free them of their spleens. To access, hold your phone up for an Android user to see and pretend that you are showing off the home screen’s “slight, but totally noticeable and amazing 4D parallel reality effect.” While the Android user is occupied trying to see something he secretly believes he’s not cool enough to see, stealthily plunge your hand through his rib cage and pull out his spleen. When he becomes totally frustrated and gives up on trying to see the effect, casually ask, “So, how’s your lymphatic system feeling right about now?” Note: this feature will be locked, preventing you from further use until you give the guy his spleen back.
Oblogatory rating: Nice-to-have

Glinda Mode
Lost? Confused? Never fear, Glinda Mode is present at your location! To access, hold your phone to your heart (through your clothes and skin is fine), close your eyes, then click your heels three times while saying, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” When you open your eyes, you should be back in Kansas! You’ll be in bed under the covers and in your nightgown, so if you tend to overheat easily, you may wish to disrobe before deploying Glinda Mode (though please exercise caution if you are in police custody at the time). Also, as you will awake with your loyal little dog beside you, I can’t recommend Glinda Mode for those with pet allergies. Sorry.
Oblogatory rating: Game changer

Perhaps the most esoteric and astounding of all the new iOS7 features, FLORM! is best used with extreme discretion. This is not something you can—or should—do all the time, though to fully understand all of its implications, you may wish to try it now as you read along with this little tutorial. To access, type F-L-O-R-M-! into your phone’s search field (yes, all caps), then tap return. I’ll wait.
Yeah, pretty amazing, huh?! As Siri might say, I know, right?! So cool! You can see why I warn people not to do it all the time—who could handle such extremes of joy and ecstasy? Though God knows I’ve pushed the FLORM! envelope a time or two these past couple of days.
Whew! Wow. FLORM. Yeah.
Oblogatory rating: Worth killing for