Dear The New York Times Crosswords:
Why, er, no, we aren’t headed to the cottage this weekend. No, indeed.
And if this weekend you should happen to wend your way down Wealthersham Lane past the club and find yourself in front of our cottage (assuming you make it past the guards), and it appears that we are in residence—perhaps because the Bentley’s in the drive, say—well, we most decidedly will not be in residence.
So there would be absolutely no point approaching the security hut and asking Lt. Woresham to phone our butler Davis requesting admittance.
Because you see, Davis is well aware of our regular comings and goings. He knows when we’re at the cottage, of course, but more than that, he knows when we are at our beach shack/villa in the Turks and Caicos, he knows when we are at our modest palazzo in Tuscany, and he knows when we are on an extended sail on the Plus Ultra III.
So Davis could assure you that even though the couple drinking gin and tonics with close friends while enjoying a spirited game of croquet on the Great Lawn might LOOK like us, it isn’t us. Because we are NOT headed to the cottage this weekend.
So, as you can plainly see, there is most certainly no justification to make any effort whatsoever to drop by. And I have expressed this view to Lt. Woresham, who assures me that he will be vigilant in watching for your non-arrival.
Yours in the cause of crystal clear understanding,
Richard D. Malley