Recent items from my neighborhood listserv

HElo NEIGBORS! Jimy habs been dignosed WITH A REAR DISEASE! It doESnt’ cause any problems acCept when he gets older he cant’ have babies. Butt theirs’ NO CURE unless we find a STEMCELL DONNOR. This is a WILD CHANCE, but does ANYONE IN THE HOOD have the CY9 MUTATION?!! COme on by if you do.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Hello. We are new to the neighborhood and would like to know the best place to get a cup of artisanally steeped hypoallergenic organic tea. While Cozy’s, the neighborhood place down the street from us, is lovely, they refuse to give us anything in writing asserting that their artisanally steeped organic tea is hypoallergenic. So I’m afraid we shan’t be going there again. Any recommendations would be most appreciated.—Hildreth on Luana Ct.

LOST DOG: Neighbors, our dog Shorty, a shepherd/Dachshund mix, is missing since yesterday. We are heartbroken. Any help in locating him would be much appreciated.—Don on Vireo St.

DOG FOUND: Sorry for the false alarm. We accidentally left him in the Land Rover when we parked in our garage yesterday afternoon, and we didn’t notice him when we went out to dinner later because our other Land Rovers were in the way.  He’s fine, just a little dehydrated and pissed off. And while I’ve got you, I may as well ask for recommendations for a good auto upholstery and carpet cleaning service.—Don on Vireo St.

NeiGBROS! PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED if you aRe walking down HOLMES AVE and some laydy asKs to SWAB YOUR CHEEKS! That LAYDY IS ME! Im’ just lookign for A STEMCELL DONNOR FOR JIMY! I DONT’ BIT E I PROMISE!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

This is to publicly state that I will submit to the City’s new residential all-electric lawn equipment regulations and turn in my gas-powered Toro WHEN THOSE JERKS AT THE CITY PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

Hey, it’s June, and that means it’s time to feed, Kobe,  my boa constrictor. I was wondering if any of you folks with backyard coops would be willing to spare a live chick or two. Thanks.—Randy on Opal St.

NO, I DONT’ THINK ITS’ UNRESONAABLE TO ASK PASSERBYS TO HELP DEFLAY THE COST OF DNA TESTING! ITS’ THIER DANG DNA!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

Neighbors, don’t forget that next Wednesday my shop will host a special meeting of the Intra-neighborhood Steering Committee Member Selection Process Steering Committee. If you would like to be considered for the ISCMSPSC. Artisanally steeped organic tea will be served, but I will not—repeat, will not—certify it as hypoallergenic.—Jane, owner of Cozy’s on Third St.

NEVER MIND NEGIBROS! wE foUNd out JimY JUST HAS RINGWORM.—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.