10 Sure-fire Time-Saving Tips

Another way of achieving item 3.


1. Quit eating. This will be a toughie for some, but don’t forget an IV fluid drip on wheels can be a handy time-saving meal replacement. And did you know that IV fluids now come in all kinds of great flavors, like grape and piña colada? True, your veins don’t have taste buds, but you’ll know the flavor’s in there!

2. Create “compound activities” so you can get more done at once. What’s a compound activity? Drive-bathing, jog-writing and sleep-working are merely a few examples. Get creative and save time!

3. Set your watch 24 hours ahead. That way even when you’re a few minutes late, you’re still almost an entire day early.

4. Scientific tests prove that driving like an asshole maniac can save as much as 15 seconds off a cross-town trip. ‘Nuff said.

5. Wear diapers and only change them when absolutely necessary. Pretty self-explanatory.

6. Minimize personal relationships. Other people = time-sucking vampires. Limit your exposure to them at every opportunity. The previous item on this list should help.

7. Focus on the big picture. Small details, often referred to as “rules,” “regulations,” “mandatory requirements,” or “laws” will eat into your day like nobody’s business. They are for suckers with no time management skills. Are you a sucker with no time management skills? Didn’t think so.

8. Teleport more often.

9. Write macros and applets to automate all of the computing tasks that you do on a daily basis. Sure, you may have to take a 12-week programming course to learn how to do this, but in 15 years or so, you will have saved that time back and then some!

10. Stop reading bullshit lists of time-saving tips. I mean, this one, sure. But those others? Complete wastes of time.