The Economist: Chinese cyber-attacks: Hello, Unit 61398
When international cyber-armies of evil-doers give you e-lemons, make e-lemonade! That’s what I always say, anyway.
As you may have heard, pretty soon they will be taking our internets away from us. Not because we’ve misbehaved and we don’t deserve nice things, but because people from countries with less freedoms than us are mean.
Needless to say, with no internets, the way we live, work and play will change drastically. To be more specific, without 24/7 access to porn, shopping for cute shoes and cat pictures, all of us will have a LOT more time on our hands.
This could be dangerous. Without the ability to waste hours of idle time on the internets, some of us could resort to such atavistic behaviors as reading books or writing letters.
Lest that happen, I’ve compiled a list of activities anyone can do to kill time until they invent a way to bring us an internets that is free from terrorist zombie robots. I recommend that you download and print out this guide while you still can.
Activity 1: Pipe cleaner animals
1. Print out the picture at the top of this post while you still can, so you know what the hell it is you’re supposed to be making.
2. Go to the store and buy some colored pipe cleaners. You may not be able to use your smartphone’s map app to locate the store, so you may wish to look up directions now and print out a map while you still can. Or buy some colored pipe cleaners online now, while you still can.
3. Here’s an online guide for how to actually make pipe cleaner animals. I’d print it out now if I were you, while you still can.
4. Once pipe cleaner animals are complete, do whatever it is one does with such things.
Activity 2: Watch movies you downloaded from the internets while you could still do that
1. Download as many movies from the internets as you can while you still can.
2. This may take awhile, because the terrorist zombie botnets do not want you to be entertained.
3. Watch the movies.
4. Watch the movies again.
5. Sit in a chair and think about something.
Activity 3: Plant a vegetable garden
1. Slash and burn an acre of pristine rainforest.
2. Till the soil. It’s probably best to wait until all the embers have cooled and the last animals have succumbed to their burns.
3. Plant seeds. Edible plants are best.
5. Wait approximately as long as it took to download a full season of The Walking Dead while you could still do that.
7. Repeat for next 5 years.
8. Gather up members of tribe, abandon plot to lie fallow, migrate to a new pristine acre of rainforest, and repeat Steps 1-6.
Activity 4: Gnaw at the little webby piece of skin in the crook between your thumb and forefinger
1. Bring hand to mouth. It’s best to use your opposite hand for this, so if you’re right-handed, use your left hand, and if you’re left-handed, use your right hand.
2. Position your hand in your mouth so that you can just gnaw on that little webby piece of skin in the crook between your thumb and your forefinger.
3. Graw on that little webby piece of skin.
4. If irritation or bleeding develops, dial it down. This is not a hot dog eating contest for chrissakes.
Activity 5: Seethe
1. You may do this activity sitting, standing or lying down.
2. Grit teeth.
3. Assume an emotional state somewhere between fuming and spontaneous angry outbursts.
4. Don’t worry if you don’t get it right immediately. It takes practice, and you’ll have plenty of time.