Another rejected letter to People Magazine

Dear people at People who are by and for the people:

I am writing in response to your article, “Heading His Own Way,” about the little boy born without a head, who nevertheless mastered the cello at 4, pioneered a cure for shingles at 6, sold his first Internet start-up at 7 and was admitted to graduate school at Stanford by 7-and-a-half.

Look, I’m not finding fault with the article. It lived up to the People literary standards we have come to expect, although with maybe a few more commas than I might have liked. And is un petit sans-tete worthy of publicity and fame? Of course he is. He’s achieved things some headed people never accomplish. Heck, I’m still trying to perfect my cure for shingles. (If only people weren’t so picky about minor side effects like occasional grand mal seizures. Damn.)

No, my concern is for the other kids who were born without their coconuts. Many of them have trouble with even simple tasks. Brushing their teeth would be an obvious example. How do you think they feel when they see one of their beanless brethren being all, “Oh, look at me. I don’t have a head and I invented virtualhandsanitizer.com and sold it for $3 billion!”

I mean, obviously he’s not literally saying that, having no mouth and all, but still, it’s the same thing. I mean, you know what I mean. Right?

So, we all good?

Sincerely,

D. Reichard Elmayl