Every day at dusk, dozens, if not hundreds, of tourists line the east side of Austin’s Congress Avenue bridge to watch the denizens of our city’s famous bat colony fly from their roosts. And every day at dusk-thirty, dozens, if not hundreds, of those visitors shrug their shoulders and think, “Is that all there is?”
In an effort to provide a better bat-watching experience for these would-be Peggy Lees, we here at Oblogatory see room for improvement. But first, we need to know exactly what is driving the disappointment of our bat-watching visitors.
If you are one of the many thousands of people left disappointed by the nightly show put on by Austin’s downtown bat colony, your answers to the following survey will help us provide a better bat-watching experience for everyone (well, except for maybe the bats).
Please choose the response that best matches your opinion.
1. After viewing the bats, I was most disappointed that…
A) They failed to emerge as blinding balls of intense colored light.
B) One bat looks pretty much like any of the other 13 million bats.
C) Bats would not stop moving so I could take a picture.
D) Bats refused to fly into ladies’ bouffant hairdos as promised in urban myth.
E) Bats exhibited a “so what?” attitude toward out-of-towners like me.
F) Watching bats distracted me from staring at my phone.
2. After viewing the bats, I concluded…
A) It was pointless to imagine how bad 13 million bats could smell without experiencing it.
B) Bats would be cuter in little costumes.
C) The whole echolocation thing? Just an annoying gimmick.
D) That I was right all along to think that bats were like rats with wings, only creepier.
E) Bats, schmats.
F) The whole experience could be better presented in an app.
3. If I knew a friend was considering traveling to Austin to view the bats, I’d advise…
B) There’s no need to get change beforehand; bats don’t accept tips.
C) Never perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a grounded bat. Their breath is horrible.
D) Unless you’re a bat, your chances of hooking up are nil.
E) Do not carry live insects on your person.
F) Might as well, because the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue is even more boring.
Thank you for participating in this survey. Your answers will help us make Austin’s bats more appealing for everyone who isn’t a bat. Assuming we can find enough little costumes.