Where were you during the great Norwegian cheese fire of 2013?

Note: artist’s rendering.

OK, first, picture 27 tons of cheese. But not just any cheese:  brown cheese (not shown).

Got that? It’s a lot of cheese—no matter the color—to picture, I know. So, take your time. I’ll wait.

Alright, we good? Now, further imagine the 27 tons of cheese—brown cheese, mind you—is on a truck in Arctic Norway.

Still with me? Super. Now this truck with all this brown cheese—which by the way is a delicacy in Norway, though perhaps not a rare delicacy, because I mean, what the hell, there’s 27 tons of it on this one truck alone in that tunnel, and—ah, shit—I hadn’t mentioned that the truck with all the damn brown cheese, the 27 tons of brown cheese, I mean—I hadn’t yet mentioned that that truck was in a tunnel up there in Arctic Norway, had I? See, that was where I was headed way back at the beginning of that last sentence, but I started getting ahead of myself, as is sometimes my wont.

Sorry about that.

So, to recap: 27 tons of delicious (if you’re Norwegian) brown cheese; Arctic Norway; cheese is on a truck; truck is in a long-ass tunnel.

OK, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, alright already, we got the set-up, what’s the kicker?

Well, I’m only too glad you asked.

The kicker, my friend, is that the cheese caught on fire last Thursday and burned out of control until Monday, shutting that tunnel in godforsaken Arctic Norway down for six whole freaking days.

I know, RIGHT?

IT WAS IN THE NEW YORK FLIPPIN’ TIMES! It came from Reuters!

Why is no one talking about this? Why is no one upset about this? I’M upset about this!

They’re holding Senate hearings about whether Benghazi was a terrorist act masquerading as a protest or just a plain straight up terrorist attack, and meanwhile there’s this out-of-control brown cheese tunnel fire in Arctic Norway, and no one was doing a goddamned thing about it! 

That right there should tell you that something  is seriously, seriously wrong in this world.

And, oh by the way, I’m telling you right here and now that I think the story about 27 pounds of truck-borne brown cheese conflagrating in a Norwegian tunnel is so incredibly marvelous that I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was a hoax. Though from what I can tell so far, it’s legit.  

And it really is so marvelous. 

Cheese fire causes traffic meltdown in Norway tunnel | Reuters