Source: Armstrong used ass-hattery enhancing drugs

Lance Armstrong, the former champion cyclist barred from professional competition due to evidence of doping, used ass-hattery enhancing drugs to help him cover up his use of performance enhancing drugs, Oblogatory has learned.

“Oh, yeah. You think anyone can be that big an asshat without a little sumpn-sumpn?” a source once close to Armstrong said. “Usually it was a few Remy and Cokes, and maybe sometimes a little biker speed just to amp up the nastiness.”

Information provided by the source, who declined to be named, could not be corroborated. But his allegations would go a long way towards explaining some of the alleged bullying behavior reported by many of those who have fallen out with Armstrong over the years by speaking candidly—and, it now seems, honestly—about his use of performance enhancing drugs.

And the source was adamant. “Come on, man. Intimidating the mother of young children? Hounding people day and night? What kind of person would be cold enough to do that kinda shit without chemically lowering their inhibitions and suppressing whatever vestiges of a conscience they have left? Please.”

Attempts to get Armstrong to respond to these allegations failed when a waitress threw out the bar napkin on which the source had written Armstrong’s private email address.