More entries from my neighborhood listserv

HOLLOWEEN IS COMMING!!!!!
HI NEIGBORS!!!!! REMEMEMBER HOLLOWEEN IS COMMING! MAKE SURE YOU”RE “KIDS” ARE SAFF! DONOT LET THEM EAT THE CNADY THEY GET FROM POOR OLD MR SCHMIZT ON THE CORNER OF MY STREET!!!!! HE FORGOTS THAT HIS BRIAN MEDICATIONS ARE NOT CNADY!!!!! PLEASE REMEMEMBER!!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

NEW TO THE HOOD, NEED SOME INFO
Hi, we just moved here because we absolutely JUST LOVE the funky, rustic, authentic character of the neighborhood. That said, now that we’re here, we’re wondering who we should call to complain about some of the less charming funk and rusticity in our immediate area. Or can we just build a 10’ wall around our property? Any info would be much appreciated—Stanton and Midge on Daisy Dr.

VERY FUNNY
I’m on to you, wise guy. Ever heard of security cameras? That’s right, dipshit, I got it all on video. Who’s laughing now, turdbrain?—Trey on Solstice Ln.

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED
It’s time for our annual neighborhood volunteer drive. We urgently need people to volunteer to help make those who don’t volunteer feel like worthless lazy scum. Actual duties, if any, TBD. Those wishing to volunteer please respond by hitting “reply all.” Thank you.—Mary on Myrtle Cir.

HOLLOWEEEN UPDATE!!!!!
HI NEIGBHORS!!! IVE JUST BEEN INFORMEDED THAT POOR OLD MR SCHIMZT MOVED AWAY SEVERL YEARS AGO! THE MAN WHO LIVES THEIR NOW SAYS HE WONT” GIVE YOU’RE KIDS’ HIS BRIAN CNADY, AS HE ONLY HAS BAD KNEES!!!!! SO GOOD NEWS’S!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

BODY DISPOSAL?

Could anyone who has experience with this please contact me off-list? Thanks.—Frank on Renwood St.

CORRECTION
Sorry, hit “send” too soon. My last message about body disposal was supposed to be posted anonymously. Thanks.—Anonymous on Renwood St.   

FREE TO ANY HOME
Hello, one and all. We are unable to keep our dog, Sasha, on account of we decided that caring for a dog is really not our thing. If you want her, she will be tied up to the mailbox at the curb. With all this rain, it’d probably be better if you came and got her sooner rather than later, as it is hard to hear the TV sometimes what with all the howling and all. Thanks.—Sandra on Sandalwood St.