If I had to write Mitt Romney's features and benefits

1. RealTRESS implants look like actual human hair without combing, cutting or maintenance.

2. AcatPLUS advanced conscience abatement technology for limitless political maneuvering over unpredictable event terrain with no hindrance from actual beliefs.

3. ReversoFlux circuitry with HypocrisyShield for seamless, shameless policy pivots.

4. InfoLok technology with Platitude Plus Response resists disclosure of incriminating personal information and draconian policy specifics, generates content-free soothing sound bites.

5. DoubleDown reiterative circuitry delivers the appearance of the resolve leaders need, inhibits reversing even the most reprehensible positions.

6. DermoFlex2 skin composite for near-human facial expressions completely decoupled from actual emotions or beliefs.

7. SinceroMax vocal processor adds truthful inflection to even the most blatantly false public statements.

8. FrigiTicker maintains the coldheartedness needed to pursue quixotic ambition free from worry about the common good.

9. Clean caucasian form factor for “traditional” voter appeal.

10. Wide, bottomless pockets accommodate endless streams of donor cash. Now with added KochPort.