How I instantly lost weight with this one weird trick

Well, “trick” maybe isn’t the right word. “Act” I guess would be better.

And “weird” doesn’t quite do the job either, come to think of it. “Gruesome” probably comes closer.

So that’d leave us with “How I immediately lost weight with this one gruesome act.” Yeah, that’s more apt overall.

Because wouldn’t sawing my left arm off mid-bicep be classified more as a gruesome act than a weird trick? Probably. If I was being fair.

But on the plus side for my original statement, my weight loss was instant.

Yes sir, 3.78 pounds of fat, muscle, bone, tendon, blood vessels, nerves and skin, gone in a thrice.

Oh, and fingers, also.

I know what you’re thinking. I do.

You’re thinking, “Why mid-bicep? Why not elbow?”

I wondered that, too, although in truth when ¾ of your arm is laying in the bathtub it’s probably a little too late for that kind of second guessing.

Call it a post-self-amputation rationalization induced by blood loss, but in the heat of the moment I decided my motto moving forward would be, “A nub is better than a stub.”

Turns out my physical therapist and my prosthetist disagree, but that’s just two opinions.

Now before I get accused of painting too rosy a picture here, I do want to stress that there is a downside to this “weird trick” (or “gruesome act” for you sticklers).

First, I have to admit that my weight loss stopped pretty much as soon as it started. The next day, I still only weighed 3.78 pounds less (discounting about half a pound for bandages, gauze, tape and such).

Second, due to not being able to play Ultimate Frisbee for a couple of weeks while my nub heeled, I actually gained a little weight back. : (

Third, due to my not remembering until it was a little too late that I throw with my left arm, my Ultimate Frisbee game has gone to shit.

But I’m betting all that will be outweighed by the fantastic new lifestyle I’ll be able to enjoy with the proceeds from selling my new tightly guarded weight loss secret.


Well, damn, I just gave that away, didn’t I? Okay, consider this one a freebie.

Now where’d I leave that bone saw…