Due to some unfortunate, isolated incidents of racism and misdirected jingoism, the Republican National Convention has issued these rules governing delegate behavior. Any delegate violating these rules will face plausible denial of their party affiliation, at least for the duration of the convention.
1. No racist remarks shall be made within 15 feet of an open microphone or video camera.
2. Disruptive chants of “USA! USA!” shall only be directed at those who are NOT citizens of the United States or its territories.
3. Attendees are urged to keep with them at all times a copy of the newly-printed guide listing all of the official 50 United States, as well as its territories. Please note that BOTH New Mexico and Hawaii are actual states with their own stars on the flag and everything.
4. Fruit trays and salad bars at all convention affiliated banquets, cocktail parties and meet-and-greets must NOT include watermelon, irrespective of whether such inclusion is intended to be ironic.
5. Convention concessionaires are to cease all peanut sales, effective immediately.
6. Attendees are NOT to shriek, “Let me see your papers!” at anyone, even service personnel whom they suspect may be Latino.
7. White robes and hoods are NOT acceptable convention floor attire.
8. The distribution of the pamphlet, “Best Rape Jokes of the 2012 Republican National Convention,” is to cease immediately and we urge that all copies in circulation be turned over to your state’s chief delegate for shredding.
9. To prevent misidentification, all non-caucasian delegates must now wear newly issued oversized convention badges embossed with “ACTUAL DELEGATE” in neon-brite colors. Each state delegation has been issued one of these badges. States not needing their minority delegate identification badge may offer their unused badge to states having more than one non-caucasian delegate, if any.
10. Do not acknowledge the existence of these rules to ANYONE.
11. What rules?