Today's entries from my neighborhood listserv

SUSPICIOUS PERSON SEEN
Hello, neighbors. I don’t want to raise everyone’s already elevated level of paranoia, but yesterday I saw a man walking from house to house, going up to each house and fiddling about with the mailbox or something. He was wearing a light blue shirt and light blue shorts and had a bag on his shoulder that looked like it had letters or flyers in it. I saw him make his getaway in a funny looking little white truck that had blue writing on it. Does anyone know who this person is? Could he be a burglar casing houses? Should I call the police? — Biff on Durwood Ln.

LOST CAT
Hello, neighbors!!!!!!! One of my 18 or 19 cats is missing!!!!!!!!!! I’m not sure which one it is?!!!!!!! The gray one maybe!!!!!! Or!!!!! The one whose fur matches the color of my old car!!!!!!! May answer to “kitty kitty”!!!!!!!!!! Or “pusspusspusspusspuss”!!!!! HELP!!!!! — Bertha on Holmes Ave. 

IMPORTANT NEIGHBORHOOD MEETING
Neighbors: It is important that you attend our next neighborhood association meeting, where we will devolve into a shouting match over who cares for the neighborhood more: the lazy old-timers who have become inured to the hellhole the area has become; or the zealous recent arrivals, who want to transform the neighborhood into the hellhole neighborhoods they left to come here. Cookies and bile will be served. Y’all come! Your participation is vital to keeping our neighborhood association factionalized and unable to reach consensus on a single goddamn thing. — Jerry the insufferable knowitall on Crayton Dr.

TINFOIL HAT MISSING
Description: made of tinfoil, shaped into a hat, picks up chatter from Trilateral Commission radio frequencies when worn by appropriate personnel. IF FOUND DO NOT RECYCLE! Reward! — (name withheld) on Randall Ct.

DOES ANYONE HAVE A BRAND NEW CIRCULAR SAW BLADE I CAN BORROW?
I’ll give it right back after I finish framing the new room we’re adding on. Also need a nail gun. And nails. — Martin on Maypole Cir. 

CAT FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!
It turned out to be!!!! The other one after all!!!!!!! Thanks to all who searched!!! And called in mysterious cat sightings!!!!!!!!!!! — Bertha on Holmes Ave.

DOES ANYONE HAVE EXPERIENCE FRAMING A ROOM ADDITION?
Let me know if you can help me out with some of your “know how” for a few days/weeks, starting now. — Martin on Maypole Cir.

FREE TO GOOD HOME: WORTHLESS CRAP
Hello, neighbors. I have this large thing that cost a fair amount of money when I bought it new, never lived up to my unrealistic expectations, and is now taking up space that I need for another ill-advised thing I just spent too much money on.  Email me if interested. — Karen on Corona St.

WORTHLESS CRAP CLAIMED
Please stop emailing me already. — Karen on Corona St.

STILL MISSING: TINFOIL HAT
Please keep both eyes out. To the person who suggested I use my tinfoil hat to locate my tinfoil hat, good idea. I thought of that, too. Problem is, it won’t work, because my tinfoil hat is missing. But good ideas always welcome. — (name withheld) on Randall Ct.

ANOTHER LOST CAT!!!!
Oh, dear!!!!!!! Ol’ one-eye is missing!!!!!!!! Last seen last week!!!!! I think?!!!! Might’ve been yesterday!!!!! Likes cat food!!!!! Has eye missing!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!! — Bertha on Holmes Ave.