The latest rejected letter to the editors of People

Dearest sirs, madams, etc.:

Who will speak for Suri? When will Suri have her own cover story? You’ve printed Katie’s side; you’ve printed Tom’s side. Discerning People readers such as myself want to know what is going on in the mind of this most precious of all four-year-olds.

Is she glad Daddy no longer brings his odd friends around for “naked praying?”

Is she sad Daddy isn’t available to play find the banana with her every afternoon anymore?

Does she enjoy the company of her many new “uncles?”

Is she excited about the proposal I sent to her for the new reality show, “Suri’s World?”

WE SIMPLY DON’T KNOW.

WE ARE IN THE DARK.

Get on it.

Yours sincerely,

R. D. Allmey

PS: Absent a full cover story, I’d be satisfied with a personal note from your correspondent just letting me know where she stands on the show proposal.