I, the jury.
Who asks for a jury trial in Municipal Court? Some red light runner, probably. Oh, I mean ALLEGED red light runner. Excuse me.
I must report to room 2B of the Municipal Courtroom by 9am. And I hope to report FROM room 2B as well.
I get free WiFis down there. So I figured I may as well share the joy.
Watching a how to-be-a-jury video. Includes clips fom The Verdict, My Cousin Vinny and Liar, Liar.
According to this video (and Paul Newman), you don’t have to have good learnin’ to be no juror.
Video over. Now what?
Uh oh. It looks like we have to have a trial.
I find this jury room coffee guilty. Of sucking.
They may be taking my free WiFis away shortly. Have to go over to the courtroom proper in a few minutes. What about the poor lady who got here late and missed the video? How’s she gonna know how to juror?
Radio silence for now.
I am not the only renowned writer on this panel. Just sayin’.
Void dire over. Back in jury room. I donated my $6 jury pay to Travis Co Child Welfare Svcs.
God, I wish I could tell you what this trial is about. Then you’d be as bored as I am.
Now I’m playing the which-five-jurors-would-you-want-to-be-sequestered-on-a-desert-island-with game.
Sprung! But now I’m considering staying and watching the trial. I’m so invested.
This is a traffic case. The defendant has chosen to be her own attorney. Seems like a really bad move.
For instance, the jury wound up being all women and the defendant complained to the judge about it. Not an ingratiating move.
Defendant is giving opening statement. Her strategy seems to be two-fold:
1. Ignorance of the law
2. It was my GPS’s fault that I drove on the shoulder to get around a long-ass traffic jam.
Seems pretty sound.
State’s lone witness is testifying. He’s the cop the defendant whipped around on I35 so she could drive on the shoulder. Hmm.
OK, if you are on trial and acting as your own attorney, it’s probably not a good idea to have your phone alarm go off in court. Lame.
The cop drew a diagram of the highway where this happened, then mentioned it’s not to scale. Duh.
I can’t wait for the defendant to cross examine this cop. Train wreck waiting to happen.
First objection occurs approximately 5 seconds into cross examination. Sustained.
Evidently it’s irrelevant whether the officer has ever driven in a small town.
Second objection sustained as well.
Third objection takes my favorite form: “Asked and answered your honor.” Love it.
Kinda doesn’t seem fair that, “My GPS told me to do it,” isn’t a valid defense.
Defendant’s next question is about 3 minutes long and every other word is “um.” Perry Mason she is not.
Cross examination now getting a little tearful.
The defendant calls herself as a witness. Heavy waterworks begin. She again tries to mention her clean driving record: Objection! Sustained.
A ha! Evidence shows the defendant DID have pinatas in her truck at the time of the alleged offense.
Hope this is a pro-piñata jury.
Objection overruled! In your face, Ms. Prosecutor, with your fancy schmancy law degree.
Ruh ro. Cross examination. Prosecutor’s questions are a lot harder than those defendant asked herself.
Defendant thanked the cop for testifying against her, but jury had already left the room, so it was useless as a tactical maneuver. But sporting nonetheless.
Defendant just told the judge she has yet to actually read the charge against her. See, again, this is where I think professional legal assistance might’ve come in handy.
OK, justice has slowed to a crawl. Not sure I can wait around for the verdict.
Gotta stick around for defendant’s closing crying jag.
I’m sorry, Ms. Defendant, but no doubt is reasonable here.
Defendant keeps calling the prosecutor, “the attorney.”
Defendant is perhaps being overfamiliar with the jury by eschewing “ladies and gentlemen of the jury” for “you guys.”
I think the judge has a nosebleed.
Deliberations commence. Oh, to be a fly on the wall in that jury room!
GUILTY! Maximum $200 fine. Thank you and goodnight.