Latest letter to the editors of People Magazine

Dear Sirs and Ladies (if applicable):

I was at the grocery store yesterday laying in cat food for hurrican season when at the checkout counter I saw your latest issue with Paula Deems on the cover. I guess whenever my mailman is done reading it I’ll get my copy at home.

Oh, sorry. Mail carrier. What. Ever. She’s still got hairier legs than me. 

But I don’t even need to read the cover story by Paula Deems, “How I lost 30 whole pounds, and aren’t I just so great?!” 

Judging from the photo, the answer to this astounding weight loss miracle is neither, “By having my big mouth sewn shut,” nor, “By having my fat, ego-inflated head removed.”

So I really don’t care. 

Yours most respectfully, etc., etc., 

R. David Malley

PS: Looking forward to the Katy Perry article though. She’s precious!