My failed copywriting test for Brookstone

Grill Alert Talking Meat Thermometer

The ideal companion for the lonely outdoor chef. Actually speaks in complete sentences, such as:
“You burned the steaks again, dipshit.”
“I told you the coals weren’t ready.”
“No, really, I love charred on the outside, frozen on the inside.”
“If anyone asks, I’ll just say, What cutlet that got dropped in the dirt? I didn’t see a cutlet get dropped in the dirt.”
Choose from three digital voices: Annoying next-door-neighbor, hectoring cousin, or alcoholic best friend.

Stealth UV Toothbrush Sanitizer


Finally, an answer for those who live with a spouse, significant other or roommate who refuses to sanitize his/her filth-encrusted toothbrush. Utilizing patented cloaking technology developed for military fighter planes, the Stealth Sanitizer penetrates your bathroom’s radar defenses, dodges incoming bacterial flak, and makes a perfect three-point landing on your vanity, where it captures the offending toothbrush and subjects it to a withering interrogation under germ-killing ultraviolet light. Once microbes are neutralized, the Stealth Sanitizer releases the toothbrush and again takes flight, maintaining a silent holding pattern above your shower for up to 12 hours before needing recharging (deluxe rechargeable unit only). 

Ladies Bionic Golf Glove


One-handed ladies, are you tired of getting your ass kicked up and down the golf course over and over again because you just can’t get any distance off the tee with your feeble single-arm swing? Well, now you can turn the tables. Inside this glove is an itsy-bitsy nuclear reactor that powers an impossibly complex series of teeny-tiny gears, wires and pulleys to give your golf swing real zing! CAUTION: tee shots may be lethal. Not responsible for putting green craters. 14-hour bionic attachment surgery not included. 

Bactrack S80 Professional Fuel Cell Breathalyzer


That old saying is true: if you think you might need a personal breathalyzer, you definitely need a personal breathalyzer. Why let law enforcement’s blood alcohol testing device have the last word when an inaccurate reading could be the difference between vehicular homicide or simple negligent manslaughter? With its patented “Round It Down” technology, this gadget is reasonable doubt you can carry in your coat pocket, and still have room for your flask.