Pop culture artifacts yet to be exploited as big screen franchises

JoyPainter I: Little Birds—After ingesting peppermint tea accidentally laced with radioactive mineral spirits, Bob Ross (Brad Pitt?), a gentle public television painting instructor, becomes the superhero JoyPainter. In the first installment of this five-part (God willing) series, JoyPainter puts a fatal top coat on a merciless band of endangered little bird rustlers.

Starship J, Chapter 1: Miracles—Jefferson Starship explodes right out of your Time-Life Hits of the 70s box collection and onto the big screen in this adaptation of the Marty Balin song Miracles. After ingesting radioactive capsules mistaken for hard drugs, Grace, Marty, Paul and Craig (but NOT Mickey) become superheroes who pilot their own starship. In Chapter 1, they work “miracles,” by killing a band of merciless critics with their music.

Nike Air: Clash of the Treadons—After being spiffed up with sneaker polish contaminated by radiation, the iconic kicks become “Shoe-per Heroes®,” fighting to save the sole of humanity. In this, their origin story, they lace up to take on the evil Treadons, a merciless gang of off-brand court shoes. The catchphrase of Summer 2014? “Don’t Treadon me, fool.”

Rise of the Mentos—A group of mild-mannered soft-chewy-gummy mint sort of candy-like discs is accidentally exposed to radiation, turning them into superheroes. After defeating their initial foe, Captain Coffeebreath, they are approached by Diet Coke, which invites them to form a new alliance, the SuperFizz, with great portents for the first sequel.