Foley Chromeplated MadeinUSA, beloved spatual/food flipper-thingy of me, reappeared today after an absence of several weeks. As a thorough ongoing search had yielded no trace of the precious kitchen implement, I intimated to me that a conspiracy was the only likely explanation for its disappearance.
The long-missing spatula-thingy was discovered this morning when I removed the skillet from the kitchen cabinet, I told me. “It was totally bizarre,” I said. “I’ve used that skillet dozens of times since the spatula ‘disappeared,’ and yet this time, when I removed the skillet, there was that familiar bone white handle poking out from under the sauté pan. WTF?! We simply do not keep kitchen implements in the pots and pans cabinet.”
Despite my assertions that a conspiracy was afoot, I admitted to this reporter that I had no concrete evidence of any actual plot. I did, however, mention my suspicions about who could be behind such an action. “My Much Better Half did it,” I said. “How the hell else around here does anything move from where it’s always been to someplace it’s never been before?”
Reached by text message, my Much Better Half denied any involvement when told that I believed she knew damn good and well where Foley Chromeplated MadeinUSA had been found. “I really don’t,” she protested. “Am I in trouble?”
Regardless of whether a conspiracy is actually uncovered, I expressed gratitude that the spatula-thingy was returned to me. “Although I could never replace it,” I said, “I have in the meantime purchased another spatula flipper-thingy which I will continue to use. So now Foley Chromeplated MadeinUSA can live a life of peaceful semi-retirement in the utility drawer to the right of the stove. And nowhere else, goddamn it.”