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Friday
Apr272012

My resume to serve on the board of a Fortune 500 company


It may be surprising that the former chief of Fannie Mae still remains the director of a public company as prominent as Goldman Sachs and Target. But perhaps more surprising, many other executives who had tumultuous reigns are also board members of major public companies. Charles O. Prince III, the former chief executive of Citigroup, who resigned under pressure in 2007 amid huge write-downs at the bank, is a director of Xerox and Johnson & Johnson. E. Stanley O’Neal, the former chief executive of Merrill Lynch on whose watch the firm loaded up on subprime debt that almost bankrupted the company, is a director of the aluminum giant Alcoa…

…Mr. Hodgson says directors who have been at companies with problems often argue to him “that going through an experience like that makes them a better board member.”‘Tainted’ But Still Serving on Corporate Boards, Andrew Ross Sorkin, NYT, 4-23-12


Rich Malley
1201 Viscious Circle
Austin, TX 78701

CAREER OBJECTIVE

Lucrative, very low stress position on corporate board, preferably for a company that offers first class airfare to board meetings in exotic locales (private jets OK!).

EDUCATION

Some

SKILLS

Advanced dissembling, sophisticated catastrophe denial, harbinger ignoring, seamless responsibility transference, situational toadying, selective forgetting, supercilious demeanor maintaining. 

EXPERIENCE

Ornst & Wellborn, Inc., 1999-2002—Board member, chairman of Board Christmas Party Committee
Present at board’s passive capitulation to management on disastrous scheme to lower expansion costs by building new stores out of cardboard; left board before class action suit brought by victims of flash fire at Mobile, AL grand opening. 

Scuppers, Inc., 2003-2008—Board member, chairman of Making Excuses to the Press About Chief Executive’s Obscene Salary Committee
Overlooked ransacking of corporate coffers by lone rogue junior executive; introduced successful initiative to raise board pay as reward for enduring stressful bad publicity arising from said ransacking; demonstrated utter lack of interest in understanding company’s core business; successfully leased personal luxury condo to corporate lodging division for five times annual mortgage obligation. 

Advanced Scientific Health, Inc., 2007-present—Board member, golf buddy of CEO 
General dereliction of oversight responsibilities; stirrer of management Kool-Aid; plausible deniability construction. 

SALARY DESIRED

Significant

REFERENCES AVAILABLE 

Please note that some of my references are only allowed to receive phone calls on weekends.

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