Oh, Facebook, I think I have some companies you might like...

Instagram? $1 billion?! Are you shitting me? I’ve got several mobile startups that are easily more valuable than that, and much more reasonably priced:

 

Plunk!—Download the Plunk! app and you’ll always be able to find the closest chair.
Tagline: Get Plunk!, take a sit.
Asking price: $975,000,000

 

 

 

iLemonade Stand—Really just my neighbor Marco’s kid’s lemonade stand, but the kid makes damn good lemonade. 
Chief selling point: minimal payroll, generates revenue, projected profitability sometime in June-Aug timeframe.
Asking price: $975,002,000 (There’s gotta be something in it for Marco and his kid.)


 

 

Annoyed Rats—Someone has stolen the rats’ trove of shiny objects and the rats are irked almost to the point of doing something about it.
Why Facebook should buy it: I’ve convinced Microsoft they’ve got to have it.
Asking price: $800,000,0000 (right now it’s just an extremely valuable idea—the price will go up once I actually pay someone to develop it)


 

 

Starbucks Finder—It’s an exaggeration to say you can throw a rock in any direction and hit a Strarbucks. This app tells you exactly where to throw the rock. Or your phone. 
How it will help Facebook: If you buy this, people will think you’re crazy and capable of anything. You will be so badass!
Asking price: $750,002,000 (Marco and his kid kinda helped flesh this one out)